SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE – Use Science to get Solid Marriage Help
Marital researchers can predict with an 80-85% accuracy which couples will have serious relationship problems based on self-reporting information about themselves and their partner. These marriage experts identify five personal and relationship dynamics that measure the likelihood of relationship success or failure. They are:
- Realistic expectations
- Communication
- Conflict resolution
- Personality
- Religious orientation
Couples that fight or drift apart score low on these scales. Happily married couples score high.
If you need to save your marriage, this marital research can get you the marriage help you need. For the rest of us, it’s simply good marriage advice.
REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
When “expectations” are unrealistic (either too high or too low)—frustration and disappointment is imminent. When expectations are balanced and realistic, it is relatively easy to feel content.
It is essential to marital contentment that expectations are aligned with to one’s partner’s aptitude. “He may never be the best communicator, but it is ok.” “She may never be well organized and tidy, but I can live with it.” Adjusting one’s “expectations” to the reality of one’s partner is good marriage advice and contributes directly to relationship harmony.
As well, all successful couples and families must adapt to changing circumstances. Be they changes that are predictable—like the birth of children or advancing age—or changes that are unanticipated—such as unemployment or serious illness. All these “challenges” require an adjustment of one’s expectations.
The best marriage help is often simply maintaining “low expectations” about what your partner can and cannot do for you.
COMMUNICATION
Satisfying conversations between a husband and wife builds closeness and trust. Marital research has shown that there needs to be at least 5 positive interactions to each negative one for there to be feelings of closeness. Even one criticism, or angry outburst, can undo the value of many positive interactions. (The mind remembers negative interactions longer than positive ones!) Understanding this highlights the importance of continually engaging in positive and pleasant communication, while trying to minimize negative interactions. The challenge is to produce the greatest number of positive verbal interactions with the fewest negative interactions.
If your relationship is in serious trouble, pleasant interactions alone may be able to save your marriage and prevent divorce
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
The goal in marriage is to live together in peace and harmony. However, for many couples, marriage will at times include occasional disagreements or conflicts. When this happens it is essential to keep the conflict small and contained.
Successful conflict resolution requires three primary criteria. 1) Stay respectful: No name calling, expressions of strong anger, bulling, or attempts to humiliate. 2) Stick to one topic: Stay focused exclusively on the issue at hand. Resist dragging into the conversation other areas of disagreement or disappointment. 3) Keep it small: The disagreement should only last a few minutes and then be quickly set aside and efforts should be made to restore positive feelings and constructive interactions.
Keeping conflicts contained is marriage advice every couple needs to heed. We can live with a small scratch, but a severed limb can lead to permanent injury or even death. Protect your marriage and keep disagreements small and contained.
PERSONALITY
It is important that you are comfortable with your partner’s personality. He or she doesn’t have to be exactly as you—in fact if this were so, it would probably work against you. Remember, during courtship there was attraction. You chose to marry each other! Even after many years of marriage, that attraction it is still there—at least in potential.
True—years of misunderstanding and conflict can create deep resentment. This accumulated negative emotion can actually change your perception of your partner, leaving you unable to accurately see who he or she really is. For this reason, as much as possible, conflict should be avoided, or at least you should try to look past it when it does occur and seek out the parts of your partner’s personality that you like.
Being receptive to your partner’s new efforts to improve how he or she relates to you can actually save your marriage. If you don’t notice your partner’s good intentions and efforts, then what you are really saying is, “nothing can help your marriage.” Let your partner show you how he or she can modify his or her personality for the better.
RELIGIOUS ORIENTATION
Dissimilar spiritual and cultural differences can stress relationships. Religious orientation includes a set of rules that guides the couple in setting goals, making decisions, and raising children. When religious orientation and culture are similar, this becomes a set of shared values that contribute to a healthy and cohesive family.
ESSENTIAL MARRIAGE ADVICE
Even though formal training in these personal and relationship dynamics are not readily available, you and your partner can work toward achieving a high score. The more you achieve, the closer and more comfortable you will feel with each other and the greater the likelihood your relationship will last the distance.
Take a few moments and review these five scales. Together with your partner, generate a list of suggestions that when implemented will give you the loving relationship you seek. Let these five dynamics lead you to the marriage help you need.
Unlike what many believe, relationship harmony is not “chemistry,”—rather its hard work leading to concrete relationship skills . . . so roll up your sleeves and get started!
Marriage research shows that couples that score high in these five areas, although not necessarily perfect in every way, share happy and meaningful lives. Save your marriage or make your marriage better. Use this marriage advice to make your primary relationship the best it can be.
Five Easy Tips for Better Communication
Good communication creates comfortable moments together. Comfortable moments together accumulate to create relationship success, or the opposite. Here are five communication tips that will make your precious moments with your husband, wife, or partner pleasurable.
- Stay positive and talk mostly about the things you like. Your partner will avoid you if you are a fountain of negativity.
- Communication connects you with your partner. “Solving problems” should only be a small fraction of what you talk about. Communicate mostly about things of common interest. Your partner will not appreciate ongoing attempts to negotiate problems and difficulties. Make communication fun. Talk about enjoyable stuff. Don’t make talking together burdensome.
- When you do need to “solve a problem,” it is best to agree to a time to “talk” rather than “jump” on your partner when he or she is not prepared. If you don’t follow this advice, don’t be surprised if you get a negative response!
- When “solving problems,” take turns expressing your opinions. Avoid accusations and anger–if they do occur, stop talking and take a break.
- Being a good listener is a great way to increase closeness and passion. As your partner talks, summarize what you hear as proof you are listening.
If you follow these simple suggestions you will be happy together. With this in mind, go and build your relationship success.
Can mirror gazing be a sign of mental illness?
“Depression, loneliness, and boredom are all symptoms of affection deprivation,” says Dr. Allan Dye, associate professor of mental health counselling and personnel services at Purdue University. “And the first sign that someone’s heading in the wrong direction is self-preoccupation. People who dwell too much on themselves, even if they don’t think of themselves as lonely or bored, are probably not having enough good contact with others.”
Can looking in a mirror be a sign of mental illness? Yes; if you are looking for the wrong reasons. Cleanliness, neatness, and being fashionable are fine. But excessive mirror gazing, introspection, second guessing and the like, are likely signs of loneliness. If left untreated, “loneliness” can go on to depression and anxiety.
Prognosis—what happens with treatment and what happens without treatment:
Treated: When treated, loneliness can easily be eliminated. For many people managing close relationships is easy. For others it takes effort and learning how. When a “lonely” individual does so, he or she can quickly find interesting people to “hang” with. If the loneliness is with one’s spouse, renewing the relationship and creating new opportunities for closeness and intimacy should be the plan. It is natural for humans to live in clans and since every person has these instincts, it is relatively easy to achieve.
Untreated: When “loneliness” is allowed to fester and spread, it can overwhelm all the other natural emotions (happiness, determination, self-preservation, etc.) and take over a person’s entire life. Eventually, loneliness can lead to serious depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. If loneliness is not eliminated, it can hold a person back from many important opportunities.
Lonely? I have a solution. My relationship enhancing audio program, Relationship Listening – Attract the People You Like and Bring Them Close to You. Learn for only 8-minutes-a-day for three weeks and you can gain a very powerful relationship enhancing skill—the power to be a great listener. In just a few hours of effort you can learn how to be popular and with your partner, his or her positive and romantic feelings towards you will dramatically increase. It really works. Thousands have already used this powerful relationship tonic. Give it a try. It’s only 29.95. Click for more information.