In the moment of feeling depressed, it is hard to consider these common causes. This is why many people fail to do the actual things needed to eliminate the painful feelings of depression that often interfere with everyday behavior.

Even worse, some individuals try to overcome the stress that feeds depression through gambling, substance abuse, inappropriate internet use, being over medicated, or an excessive focus on fitness, weight, and disease. These attempted solutions do not work and because of the destructive nature of these activities, they go on to create new problems—some worse than the depression itself.

On the other hand, individuals that avoid depression find healthy and practical ways to reduce stress and maintain their emotional balance. For example: An unhappy wife finds a way to communicate to her husband that something he does bothers her and she perseveres until the necessary change is implemented or a man that can’t adequately support his family finds a way to earn more money.

Depression and similar mental ailments are nothing new. They have been around as long as humankind. Mental stress is natural to the human condition. Like physical pain, mental stress can be an early warning signal that something significant needs to be changed. Unfortunately, we live in a pill popping, fast food, instant gratification world. Alleviating depression via hard work seems inconsistent with “modern norms.” Ignoring the problem or taking a pill often seems like the best solution. I wish it was, but sadly for most, it is not. Rather, relationship enrichment, new thought patterns or a healthier lifestyle or other efforts, or all the above, are what is needed.

 A man in his mid-twenties came to me for psychotherapy. Both his family doctor and a psychiatrist had diagnosed him as having a severe depression. They started him off on antidepressant medication to ease his discomfort.

When first meeting him he was sad, tearful and confused. He reported that he had no idea why this was happening. He had been married a few years. Recently, his wife had given birth to their first child. Immediately afterwards he had become depressed.

In talking with him, we understood his becoming a father was the trigger that caused his depression. We discussed his own relationship with his father. He realized his entire adult life he had compared himself to his father. When handing me a check to pay for his appointment, he noted his signature was an imitation of his father’s.

Exploring his growing-up years and current beliefs, he came to understand his depression was coming from his own insecurities about being a father. He had never developed his own identity and was not sure how to be a “father” to his own son. He had fantasized that his father had been the “perfect father.” When actually he hadn’t—his father had been an alcoholic and hit him when he was a child. The mental stress created by what he imagined his father to be and how he actually was had confused him and made him depressed. How could he be the “perfect father” like his father when his father was so “imperfect?” This all left him feeling overwhelmed and hopeless.

At his follow up session with the psychiatrist, he was feelings so much calmer and confident the doctor discontinued the medication. The medication took three to four weeks to create an effect and after just one week of psychotherapy he already felt much better. 

This young man continued to see me for another nine months. His father, who had been a successful politician and lawyer—a man of influence and means—took on a less idealized image in his mind. Rather, he now could see his father as a man with virtues and faults. Knowing this led to his accepting that he himself did not have to be perfect, and as a father he only needed to “do his best.”

 Another client came to me for help in overcoming his depression. He told me whether hiking in the Alaskan Yukon or the Jungles of Kenya, his depression and feelings of suicide remained with him. His point: You can’t resolve your problems with superficial changes (such as traveling). Problems follow a person wherever he or she goes.

We worked together for several months to uncover the source of his sadness and develop a strategy to move forward. It worked! Twenty years later he is happy, married, and has three lovely children. He faced his problems, made the necessary adjustments, and is now reaping the benefits.

With a willingness to honestly face the issues in one’s life and then making the necessary changes, mental stress can be reduced or eliminated. For many unhappy individuals—depression can be defeated.

Sadly, many people suffer from depression. I have often felt depression is caused by a traumatic event or a dysfunctional lifestyle — not a chemical imbalance as the drug companies would have us believe. In fact, I have had many arguments about this with my medical friends!

Read this article: www.Newsweek.com/id/232781/page/1

Lesson learned: Depressed? Change your thought patterns, live a healthy lifestyle . . . be happy. Learn how, assert your free will, change how you think and react . . . you can do it (if you want)!

Try this for help escaping depression: www.wisdomscientific.com/proddetail.php?prod=506CD&cat=12

P.S. Certainly some individuals suffer from depressive conditions that are biologically based and medical treatment is needed. However, these individuals do not account for the 27 million users counted in 2005.

Regards,
Abe

I know how destructive anger is. I hear about it every day in my counselling practice. But do you know how much damage anger can cause?

Here are a few of the many letters I received. Clearly, many are plagued by the “anger dragon”:

Dear Abe,

I have read with interest the information on your website as it describes my situation exactly. I am currently unemployed (and have been for over nine months) and find that I am getting angry with my family over the smallest things. This is upsetting my wife and children and I fell extremely guilty about this. After each blow-up I resolve that it won’t happen again – but it does! I am at a loss to control my anger and family life is not very good at present.

You kindly offered to send a PDF download of your workbook to people who cannot afford to pay for it. Unfortunately I fall into that category and wondered if you would be kind enough to send me a free copy as it sounds like it will be of great help to me. 

Thank you in advance.

Kind regards,

P. K.

===

Hi Abe,

My name is Trevor and I have let anger turn my life in the wrong direction. I am now homeless and without my loving family due to my anger. I have always known that I had a problem with anger and I use to think that I knew how to control it or had it under control. I could use some words of wisdom in this point in my life. Please send me a free copy of your anger control methods.

===

Hello Abe

My name is Cindy and I live in Australia. I’m 23 years old and I have been with my partner Tom for over two years. We live together but there is a big problem. He has a very bad bad temper. He shouts, he throws things about our apartment and curses and insults me, over very silly things.

 Now only on Thursday night, he lost his temper so much with me due to the fact that he had coursework to complete for university and I had sat next to him to give him a kiss, and he flipped out because I got in his way and because I let water in a saucepan boil over.

Now I am of the opinion that his reactions are unnecessary. I see nothing wrong with him saying “Cindy, I just need to finish this report tonight, can you please just give me some time?” His attitude resulted in me getting pushed out the way and getting insulted in ways nobody has ever spoke to me. I got so upset, and Tom was screaming abuse and pushed me out of the flat.

I got in my car and drove to my dad’s house. I stayed there on Thursday night and when Tom text me, he was mad due to the fact I said I was not going back to the flat.

Basically, I apologize for the big rant there. I read online about your workbook, but I have issues financing it, but I would really like to give it to Tom. I have tried to help him myself and I have said that his temper scares me, but I need to try something more drastic, what he does not realise is that he is driving me away with this attitude.

I thank you for any advice you could give me via email, I understand you’re a very busy man and I appreciate you may not be able to but if you could please send me the workbook I would be very grateful.

Many Thanks

===

Hi Abe,

I’m going to be brutally honest in this email.

My wife and I have been together for over a year now. I’m not the same person she fell in love with and this has been going on for almost 6 months. We had the worst fight yesterday, it was so bad that our relationship is more complicated now than anything else. She left me not because of not loving me, but because I hurt her so much when I’m that other person/thing and she didn’t know what else to do.

I read through your site and am in desperate need of your help. I can’t control my anger at all. My wife said I’m the most amazing person to be around, until I get angry and become the unpleasant person. I don’t know what happened that triggered my change and its affecting us both to extreme lengths and I want it to stop.

We love each other so much and are going to regret losing each other for good. I don’t want to lose her, she is the most amazing woman and all she has given me is true love that I’ve never ever experienced before in my life.

We are currently for the time being living apart so that we can both think things through. I need help that I can get rid of this anger for good and that our relationship can be healthy again. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I know if I can be the man she fell in love with again she will feel the same way.

I know people say things don’t happen overnight, but she made me promise that if I do contact her and we get back together she is expecting that overnight change and I want to keep that promise because I love her more than life itself.

Please Abe, I know your site said you’d send the PDF file of “Stop Anger save yourself and your family” it in a few days, but I’m really desperate, a few days might be too late. I need to start making the change now or I’ll lose her forever… and I know her, she made that promise to me and she keeps her promises.

My wife admitted to me that she’s scared of me because she doesn’t know how I’ll react one day, that one day I might just completely snap and become violent. I don’t want that, that’s not who I am nor want to be.

I know she can take care of herself, she a very tough girl and beats up anyone that pushes her too far. For someone like her to say she’s scared of me makes me scared.

I don’t have the money to afford your book and if I did I would honestly buy it.I just don’t know what else to do. I’m in desperate need of help.

Please help me.

Kind regards,

Eric

===

Hi,

I am writing this because I am 17 years old and I am struggling with my anger. Having lived in a family of constant bickering, insults and many fits/bursts I am finally realizing the impact this is having upon my wellbeing. All the affairs and such are things I am finding hard to forgive… like your broken egg analogy (which I did indeed like and relate to).

 I think that having all these pent up feelings is not good for my health or development, or the habits I seem to be creating, and is exacerbating my anger.

I was wondering if I could have a copy of the downloadable book you mention. I don’t want to take you for a ride or anything, I will pay if I have to, though money is tight, because I don’t like taking things without giving something back.

Thanks

===

If you have a problem with anger, or someone in your family does. I suggest you go to:

http://www.wisdomscientific.com/category-Anger-Control.php?cat=8

and purchase one or more of my anger management courses. The family you save may be your own.

Be a Samurai. Kill the “anger dragon.”

Wishing you the best,

Abe

Hi everybody,

Go ahead and empower yourself to solve your problems. Don’t weaken yourself with unproven beliefs. Here are three common “truths” to trash:

1. “People don’t change.” [Another version] “A leopard doesn’t change its spots” [Meaning people don't change]. Actually, people do change. In fact all of education is based on the precept that “change” is not only possible, but it is easy and for all. If you or a family member has some undesirable behavior, know it can be changed. You, or he or she only needs to “learn” new behaviors.

2. You can only change yourself – you can’t change another person. Sorry, but this has got to be one of the silliest things I have ever heard. The “real truth” is we all influence each other all the time. For example: You want someone to be “nicer,” show them kindness and it will come back to you with dividends.

3. You have to make changes for yourself and not to please others. Balderdash!!! You can, and you do, behave in precise and intentional ways to impress others, to increase the likelihood of getting what you want, etc., etc., etc. For example: When you sought to endear yourself to another, you flirted; dressed in attractive clothes; and carefully constructed your words. You “changed” to please another so they would like/love you. Yes, you can change to please another – and it works and brings you concrete benefits. You can give-up smoking because your family hates it. You can control your anger because you don’t want to frighten your children. You can become more aware of another person’s needs so they will love you.

When I hear these and others so called “truths,” I point to the garbage can and propose this is a good place to leave them.

“Yes we can,” is a much better motto. Hang it on the wall and embed it in your mind. It will give you strength.

Wishing you the best,

Abe

True to life vignette of two newlyweds
Mark told Pam he wanted his college buddies to join him for a birthday celebration. Pam, wanting to please him eagerly agreed. She took the better part of a day preparing sandwiches, cakes and other snacks. The day came. Mark and his friends had a great time. Mark failed to thank Pam for her efforts. She felt used.

Mark told Pam that she spent too much time on the phone. Pam decided Mark needed more attention, so when he came home in the evening she quickly got off the phone. She felt disrespected.

Mark had opinions on almost every subject. He even taught Pam how to “correctly” cut tomatoes. She felt Mark was treating her as if she was a child.

Pam wanted to make Mark “happy,” so she soldiered on, but it was not easy.

Slowly, Pam’s “marital bliss” slipped away. She ate to comfort her upset feelings. Angrily, Mark told her to go on a diet! She felt unattractive in his eyes.

Pam resented Mark’s selfish demands. She was hurt that he did not seem to care about her feelings. Slowly she lost interest in pleasing him. Instead, she became cold and argumentative.

Mark was in his own world and had no idea what happened. He felt disillusioned and confused. His attraction for Pam was decreasing rapidly.

Good marriage advice:
When Pam and Mark showed up in my office seeking help, I explained the following to Mark. It didn’t take long for Mark and Pam to improve their marriage for the better. With a little marriage help at just the right time, they became the two loving turtledoves they once were.

A woman’s nature is to nurture
An emotionally healthy woman naturally wants to please her husband. However, this “feminine instinct” reveals itself only when she feels “loved and cared for.”

A man makes a good wife
When a man criticizes his wife, disrespects her, gets angry, she stops nourishing. In place of caring and helping, she opposes — typically with words and withdrawal of affection.

Practical marriage advice for men:
1. Show gratitude. Thank you wife frequently for all she does.
2. Seek her out. Call her on the phone, ask her how she feels, ask if she needs anything.
3. When she is upset, take time and listen to her. If she is upset with you, be strong and listen. Try to understand without commentary. Ask questions.
4. Never get angry and always be kind.
5. Make her feel in all your interactions with her that she is your TOP priority.

If you are a woman, pass this advice on to your husband or boyfriend. If you are a man—memorize it. This piece of marriage advice can save your marriage and protect your family.

However, ALL discipline has to rest on bedrock of love. Your son or daughter must feel your care, love, and dedication to his or her well-being. And when this is true, your parent / child relationship is healthy. And if this is the case, even though in the moment your NO maybe resented and resisted, your overall positive relationship in the end will carry the day.

When a parent has not developed a “healthy” relationship with his son or daughter, then attempts to discipline will be perceived by the child as unfair, mean and self-serving. The result: This will weaken a child’s naturally healthy self-esteem. He or she will feel you are rejecting and uncaring. If this describes your situation, you are advised to still say “NO” when necessary – but immediately start to repair the overall feeling of your relationship; from one of hostility to one of love. Doing so will repair and go on to build strong self-esteem in your child and significantly contribute to a happy childhood and successful life as a future adult.

Be the best you can,
Abe

Perhaps this is one of the reasons “social networking sites” are currently so popular – it’s an easy way to connect with others. The downside is that these connections are superficial and lack genuine intimacy.

Here is a sure way to connect to new or old individuals in your life. I call it the One Two Three – Be Close to Me technique. Here are the 3 steps:

1. Ask a question that cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no.”
2. Summarize the answer you hear. Don’t change anything even if you don’t like what the speaker says.
3. Repeat step #1 and #2 for a few minutes.

Doing the “One Two Three – Be Close to Me” technique makes the person answering your questions feel close to you. And if he or she returns the favor – this will come pretty close to heaven on earth. Being KNOWN is a very satisfying intimacy.

Regards,
Abe
www.WisdomScientific.com

When angry at your partner your mind does two things: 1) Repeats — you think over and over again what you are angry about and 2) Embellishes — you make up details that never happened.

Example: Your spouse insults you. 1) You mentally “repeat” the insult. This keeps your anger alive. 2) You “embellish.” This intensifies the anger.

In your head it may sound like this: “She/he insulted me. She said I was . . . (you repeat this 1,000 times).” “She/he always insults me, She/he treats me very poorly, She/he doesn’t love me (you embellished with extra thoughts that the facts (what actually happened) can’t support — see underlines.

This anger provoking thinking can continue for hours and even days gradually eroding positive feelings toward your partner.

For the health of your relationship you must stop these damaging thoughts. Here are three steps:

1. Reject anger. Recognize that keeping the anger going provides no comfort for you or improvement to your relationship. Better to kill these damaging thoughts.

2. Distract yourself. Do something in particular that engages your mind. You need to grab your attention so the unhealthy angry thoughts are replaced with more calming and healthy thoughts.

3. Stand guard against future angry thoughts. When they appear, reject them.

Relationship harmony requires not only love and attraction, but also a willingness to forgive mistakes your partner makes. This requires self discipline – specifically the rejection of angry thoughts.

The best,

Abe

MY THOUGHTS: How important it is to be BELOVED IN LIFE, even more than in death. And this is the true lasting legacy we should all seek. Not just a title that conforms to social norms.

Here are some simple suggestions for being BELOVED IN LIFE:
1. Take time to listen to another. Without judgment, try to really understand what he/she is saying.
2. Express with words your appreciation, gratitude, and even love for another.
3. Prioritize giving over getting.
4. Recognize that family comes first. Peace at home is essential to meaningful success in any other endeavor (work, career, hobby, etc.).
5. Keep the “peace” by completely avoiding all expressions of anger.

You will know you are BELOVED IN LIFE when family members seek your company, ideas, and simply smile when you appear before them.

So here’s the point: Divorce leads to poverty, for many divorced individuals and taxpayer. Most divorces could have been, and can be, prevented with effective premarital education and accessible professional assistance, if needed, along the way.

The problem: Most people have such a negative view of marriage they don’t think divorce can be prevented. Today I was looking for positive quotes by noted thinkers on marriage (for a new book I am writing). I was shocked that ¾ of the recorded quotes were negative—sarcasms, jokes, and outright attacks on the institution of marriage. It feels overwhelming when considering how to convince people they should stay together and improve their relationship rather than giving up, divorcing, and falling into poverty (as reported above) as well as emotional breakdown for everyone in the family and an increase in the risk of childhood delinquency. It seems like closing the barn door after the horse has already escaped—the general attitude about marriage is so negative it is useless trying to convince people otherwise.

WISDOM:  A happy committed relationship has the greatest impact on one’s quality of life—greater than anything else. And like all other worthwhile goals in life, success comes only through dedicated hard work. If you are interested in how to make your marriage work better, read my book Relationship Glue. Marriage is voluntary. And when two people positively contribute to each other the relationship is a happy and long-lasting one. We should never give-up. To quote a well known Jewish saying: Saving one life is like saving the world. Just imagine the good in saving two lives or more (include the children when you do the math) when a family is rescued from divorce and destruction. (There are rare acceptations when divorce is necessary—but details about this are far beyond the scope of the message.)