“I thought that your article on marital kindness was very wise and true.

I am hoping that you will follow up on what should one do with a spouse who no matter HOW kind–or HOW giving one is in a relationship, he/she does not act with kindness as well.”

Answer:

Thanks for your good question. You touch upon the one flaw in every truism (that which claims to always be true), that sometimes it is false.

Yes, there are people that no matter how “kind” you are to them, they do not reciprocate the kindness. So then the question is, “what to do?”

1. Better for you. Certainly, you should keep up your efforts to be kind. It is healthy for you. You feel good and develop the good behavioral habits that will enhance your relationships with others.
   
2. Measure your “kindness” by the one that receives it. Sometimes what we think is “kindness” can be experienced by the receiver as “annoying” or the like. Make sure your “kindness” is truly experienced as kindness. You may need to simply ask the other person how he or she experienced a particular intended act of “kindness.”
3. Maybe they will change in time. Some people are slow to change. You may have increased your efforts at being kind, and you know your agenda, but the other person does not. He or she needs to experience you renewed efforts to be kind over an extended time. Then, the recipient of your kindness will respond by increasing their kindness toward you.
4. Seek professional help. Some people are injured by past relationship traumas. And of these individuals, some cannot overcome it without the help of a caring and trained mental health professional. If you are in a relationship with such a person, encourage them to get the help they need.
5. If cruel, and there is no way to fix the problem, consider ending your relationship. You were born to be happy and are entitled to be respected. If you are in a relationship and continually treated with cruelty and overt disrespect, no matter how kind you are, consider ending it. However, make sure you have done everything to remedy the situation. Yes, marriage and family are sacred—but that doesn’t mean you should live with abuse. Tell your partner, “let’s fix this on our own or use the professional services of a caring marriage and family therapist. If not, I will choose not stay with you.”

If you are in a relationship with a person that is reasonably emotionally healthy, kindness will certainly pay-off and be returned to you. Being “kind” even to the undeserving (according to your judgment) is a tonic for your soul. So even if you don’t get any immediate response from the recipient, you will still be healthier and happier.

Thanks for the question and hope this answer stimulates some healthy thinking.

Abe

Hi everybody,

Go ahead and empower yourself to solve your problems. Don’t weaken yourself with unproven beliefs. Here are three common “truths” to trash:

1. “People don’t change.” [Another version] “A leopard doesn’t change its spots” [Meaning people don't change]. Actually, people do change. In fact all of education is based on the precept that “change” is not only possible, but it is easy and for all. If you or a family member has some undesirable behavior, know it can be changed. You, or he or she only needs to “learn” new behaviors.

2. You can only change yourself – you can’t change another person. Sorry, but this has got to be one of the silliest things I have ever heard. The “real truth” is we all influence each other all the time. For example: You want someone to be “nicer,” show them kindness and it will come back to you with dividends.

3. You have to make changes for yourself and not to please others. Balderdash!!! You can, and you do, behave in precise and intentional ways to impress others, to increase the likelihood of getting what you want, etc., etc., etc. For example: When you sought to endear yourself to another, you flirted; dressed in attractive clothes; and carefully constructed your words. You “changed” to please another so they would like/love you. Yes, you can change to please another – and it works and brings you concrete benefits. You can give-up smoking because your family hates it. You can control your anger because you don’t want to frighten your children. You can become more aware of another person’s needs so they will love you.

When I hear these and others so called “truths,” I point to the garbage can and propose this is a good place to leave them.

“Yes we can,” is a much better motto. Hang it on the wall and embed it in your mind. It will give you strength.

Wishing you the best,

Abe

Perhaps this is one of the reasons “social networking sites” are currently so popular – it’s an easy way to connect with others. The downside is that these connections are superficial and lack genuine intimacy.

Here is a sure way to connect to new or old individuals in your life. I call it the One Two Three – Be Close to Me technique. Here are the 3 steps:

1. Ask a question that cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no.”
2. Summarize the answer you hear. Don’t change anything even if you don’t like what the speaker says.
3. Repeat step #1 and #2 for a few minutes.

Doing the “One Two Three – Be Close to Me” technique makes the person answering your questions feel close to you. And if he or she returns the favor – this will come pretty close to heaven on earth. Being KNOWN is a very satisfying intimacy.

Regards,
Abe
www.WisdomScientific.com

These positive personal qualities found in successful therapists are the same characteristics of a VBP (Value-based person) and are the same ingredients that create happy lives. Mental health clients know who has it together and who does not. Moreover, so does everyone else. VBP individuals have charm, integrity, and the power to successfully influence others.

Be a “VBP”

Kindness, confidence, sincerity, truthfulness, awareness of other people’s feelings, and an optimistic disposition are some of the personal qualities of a VBP. You can acquire them with education and personal commitment to self-improvement. A VBP is always learning and always trying to add quality to his or her life and the lives of others. Every person who wants, can become a VBP. It is worth the effort, you will be liked by others, and they will help you succeed.

Consider Your Favorite Teacher?

When you were in your youth, which teacher that had the greatest positive impact on you? Can you recall what they were like? Likely you forgot the details of his or her lesson’s, but their warm and inspiring personality will remain in your heart forever.

I remember my six grade teacher Mrs. Ballou. I remember little of her formal lessons. But I do remember she introduced our class to her favorite and most unusual fruit the prickly pair. She was personable because she enjoyed us, and always had a smile on her face. She taught with gentleness and kindness. I was enriched as a person because of who she was as a person. This is why I remember her fondly. As a VBP she inspired her students to want to be like her. This was her most important lesson.

Bless Others

Let’s all try to be a VBP and contribute positively to the lives of others. Be kind even to those that insult. Be generous even to those that are not. Help even those that don’t deserve it. It is said: “He who blesses others, is blessed.” Try it—it’s true.

Feeling good about yourself is first step to relating positively with others. If you need a “feel good” boost, learn from my easy to use 8-minute a day audio program, Strong Self-esteem — like yourself now and forever. Life success requires tools. And you yourself are your most important tool. Feel good, inspire others to feel good, and live the “good life.”
http://www.wisdomscientific.com/proddetail.php?prod=503&cat=20

Wishing you the best,

Abe