Your relationship? There is only one way to prevent it from dying. PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO OTHERS
Be kind to your partner. If not, your relationship will die! Either with divorce, separation, or shared misery.
Not a single person in the entire world would partner with another if he or she thought their future mate would not treat him or her with kindness. Kindness is the fertile soil in which affection can grow. Kindness is the foundation upon which a strong and healthy family can be built.
Kindness is kindness; whether donating a million dollars to a hospital or opening the door for an unknown stranger. Kindness is available 24/7 and the reward is immediate. What a wonderful opportunity to experience and spread “feel good” vibes!
Marriage and common law partnerships are voluntary; a person in a committed relationship must continually choose to stay with his or her partner. This is relationship reality whether we agree with it or not. When kindness is abundant within the relationship the choice to stay together is easy. Kindness ensures a happy home.
Showing kindness to your spouse is fundamental to marriage. Without “kindness” your relationship will sour. Fortunately, it’s easy to be kind. Here are some examples of everyday opportunities:
-Say good morning
-Ask how he or she slept
-Make something for him or her to eat
-Help find something your spouse misplaced
-Check with your spouse to make sure they have everything they need for the day (money, food, information, etc.)
-Call during the day to say hello
-Pickup something at the store
-Listen and comfort your spouse if he or she is upset
-Help your spouse with his or her tasks at home
- Speak gently and respectfully
-Do favors
-Spend time together before going to sleep
-Be loyal and faithful
There are many more ways–planned and unplanned–to behave kindly toward your partner and he or she toward you. The more you do, the closer and healthier your family will be.
On the other hand, a kindness deficiency is the source of marital conflicts and the cause of most divorces. Anger, selfish and irresponsible behavior, and criticism, push away “kindness” and lead to relationship breakdown. The fact that the perpetrator of these hostile feelings and actions feels justified makes no difference. Little by little, lack of kindness chips away at the very foundation of the relationship and everyone in the family suffers.
Think back to the time when you and your partner were courting. When your husband or wife was only your date, how did he or she treat you? With “kindness” or otherwise? Certainly your answer is, “with kindness.” I know because otherwise you would have run the other way–you would have ended your contact immediately never wanting to see him or her again.
You only married your partner believing that the kindness you were shown during the dating period, during your courtship, would last forever. And for a fortunate few, this actually turns out to be true. Sadly, for far too many people, kindness slips away and the relationship becomes a painful struggle. But it needn’t be that way. You can easy be kinder to your partner. Make a decision to be kinder and begin behaving that way.
Being “kind” is actually very simple. The difficulty is starting and not stopping. But if you do, you will have a wonderful partnership with the benefits far outweighing the effort. When you are “kind” to your spouse, and he or she to you, both of you will reap many rewards. Kindness will guarantee happiness.
Kindness is remembered. Each act of “kindness” toward your spouse creates for you a relationship credit. These credits are saved-up like dollars in a bank account. When you hurt your partner’s feelings—intentionally or unintentionally—these “relationship credits” can be used to reestablish harmony. They stand as advocates mitigating your partner’s hurt feelings, negative judgments, or thoughts to retaliate. The more credits you have, the easier it is to get beyond relationship mistakes.
Research has shown that it takes on average five positive interactions to eliminate one negative one. Thus, the more “relationship credits” you have, the more relationship mistakes you can survive. For example, if you say good morning daily, but one day forget, either your spouse won’t notice or just will casually mention it. However, if you never say good morning your spouse will likely conclude you don’t care about him or her.
Jerry and Susan were clients of mine (details changed to protect privacy). Once Jerry and Susan had extinguished their anger they were now ready to work in a positive way on their relationship. I instructed: “Make a list of kind behaviors that your partner has done in the past, is currently doing, and could do in the future, that would make you feel loved and cared for.” When they had finished making their lists, they took turns discussing what they had written. Then I told them to exchange lists. Jerry had Susan’s list and Susan had Jerry’s. I suggested they pick from their partner’s list each day two acts of kindness and then do them. I explained that these were “gifts,” given without any conditions. They went home. The next time I saw Jerry and Susan in my office they were both beaming and happy. They didn’t look like the old Jerry and Susan I had first met six weeks ago. “What happened,” I asked. “Simple,” Susan answered, “I did what was on Jerry’s list, and he did what was on mine.”
Kindness is contagious. Being “kind” to your partner creates goodwill and cooperation. When you are kind your partner is far more likely to be, in-turn, kind to you. Emotional closeness, appreciation, and love will grow stronger and stronger with each act of kindness you and your partner show each other. You don’t need to go to therapy to increase your marital acts of kindness. You know yourself what you can do to make your partner happy.
Kindness is essential to a happy relationship. If you are not prepared to be “kind” to your partner, you are writing for yourself a prescription for a failed relationship. You cannot replace kindness with money, good looks, a big house, or exotic trips. Kindness is an attitude that manifests itself in all situations. Being “married” means behaving with “kindness”—it’s just that basic. There are no substitutes for kindness. There is a saying, “What goes around, comes around.” When you give “kindness,” you get “kindness.” Kindness is something you can’t give away—it always comes back.
Have a sweet life; behave kindly toward your partner.
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Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T., a is a registered Social Worker, registered Marriage and Family Therapist, certified Hypnotherapist and award winning educator. He has a clinical practice working with individuals, couples, and families in Toronto, Canada. Abe is the publisher of Wisdom Scientific self-help educational programs. He is a member of the Ontario College of Social Workers, the Ontario and American Associations for Marriage and Family Therapy, and the National Board for Certified Clinical Hypnotherapists. These memberships are a guarantee of Abe’s professional training and high ethical standards. For more information or to arrange an appointment he can be reached at (905) 771-1087 or visit his web at, www.AbeKass.com. For a valuable free email newsletter, subscribe at WisdomSceintific.com.
Marriage Advice for Men: How to Make a Good Wife
Mark and Pam had only been married for two months and they already needed marriage help. And if they didn’t get the right marriage advice quickly, likely they would end up hating each other and probably divorced. Here is why:
True to life vignette of two newlyweds
Mark told Pam he wanted his college buddies to join him for a birthday celebration. Pam, wanting to please him eagerly agreed. She took the better part of a day preparing sandwiches, cakes and other snacks. The day came. Mark and his friends had a great time. Mark failed to thank Pam for her efforts. She felt used.
Mark told Pam that she spent too much time on the phone. Pam decided Mark needed more attention, so when he came home in the evening she quickly got off the phone. She felt disrespected.
Mark had opinions on almost every subject. He even taught Pam how to “correctly” cut tomatoes. She felt Mark was treating her as if she was a child.
Pam wanted to make Mark “happy,” so she soldiered on, but it was not easy.
Slowly, Pam’s “marital bliss” slipped away. She ate to comfort her upset feelings. Angrily, Mark told her to go on a diet! She felt unattractive in his eyes.
Pam resented Mark’s selfish demands. She was hurt that he did not seem to care about her feelings. Slowly she lost interest in pleasing him. Instead, she became cold and argumentative.
Mark was in his own world and had no idea what happened. He felt disillusioned and confused. His attraction for Pam was decreasing rapidly.
Good marriage advice:
When Pam and Mark showed up in my office seeking help, I explained the following to Mark. It didn’t take long for Mark and Pam to improve their marriage for the better. With a little marriage help at just the right time, they became the two loving turtledoves they once were.
A woman’s nature is to nurture
An emotionally healthy woman naturally wants to please her husband. However, this “feminine instinct” reveals itself only when she feels “loved and cared for.”
A man makes a good wife
When a man criticizes his wife, disrespects her, gets angry, she stops nourishing. In place of caring and helping, she opposes — typically with words and withdrawal of affection.
Practical marriage advice for men:
1. Show gratitude. Thank you wife frequently for all she does.
2. Seek her out. Call her on the phone, ask her how she feels, ask if she needs anything.
3. When she is upset, take time and listen to her. If she is upset with you, be strong and listen. Try to understand without commentary. Ask questions.
4. Never get angry and always be kind.
5. Make her feel in all your interactions with her that she is your TOP priority.
If you are a woman, pass this advice on to your husband or boyfriend. If you are a man—memorize it. This piece of marriage advice can save your marriage and protect your family.
Thoughts that destroy!
**Moment of Wisdom #19**
by Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T.
Family Therapist, Esoteric Thinker, Author
When angry at your partner your mind does two things: 1) Repeats — you think over and over again what you are angry about and 2) Embellishes — you make up details that never happened.
Example: Your spouse insults you. 1) You mentally “repeat” the insult. This keeps your anger alive. 2) You “embellish.” This intensifies the anger.
In your head it may sound like this: “She/he insulted me. She said I was . . . (you repeat this 1,000 times).” “She/he always insults me, She/he treats me very poorly, She/he doesn’t love me (you embellished with extra thoughts that the facts (what actually happened) can’t support — see underlines.
This anger provoking thinking can continue for hours and even days gradually eroding positive feelings toward your partner.
For the health of your relationship you must stop these damaging thoughts. Here are three steps:
1. Reject anger. Recognize that keeping the anger going provides no comfort for you or improvement to your relationship. Better to kill these damaging thoughts.
2. Distract yourself. Do something in particular that engages your mind. You need to grab your attention so the unhealthy angry thoughts are replaced with more calming and healthy thoughts.
3. Stand guard against future angry thoughts. When they appear, reject them.
Relationship harmony requires not only love and attraction, but also a willingness to forgive mistakes your partner makes. This requires self discipline – specifically the rejection of angry thoughts.
The best,
Abe