What’s wrong with being right?

February 20th, 2008 by Abe Kass

What’s wrong with being right? Plenty.

A simple social relationship works for one simple reason; the two individuals feel comfortable with each other. And two individuals feel “comfortable” when there is agreement. As 1 + 1 = 2, so too, one agreeing individual together with another agreeing individual equals friendship.

When a person places being “right” over and above “agreement,” there is dissention, arguing, and ill feeling.

Some individuals enjoy the occasional debate or competitive discussion. But in total, this form of communication must be contained and limited or destructive relationship friction will arise. Too much debating will cause friends to part-ways, husbands and wives will fall out-of-love.

You want to have solid, healthy, and long-lasting relationships. We all do. Then put “agreement” before “truth.” (The exception to this is when you need to negotiate an important decision or someone’s wellbeing is at stake.)

Hot Tip:
When you talk to your partner, friend, or even an acquaintance, put “agreement” first. For example: Your husband tells you five bits of information and you disagree with most of what he says. Pick the one thing you agree with most . . . and talk about that. Move the conversation forward with those points you agree with. Doing so will make you popular with whomever you are speaking with.

I have a great audio program that teaches healthy communication. The few dollars it cost is perhaps the greatest investment you will ever make. This program, Relationship Listening - attract the people you like and bring them close to you is an emotional aphrodisiac ensuring successful and long-lasting relationships leading to your own sustained personal happiness.
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The truth about “acceptance”!

January 14th, 2008 by Abe Kass

One of our esteemed readers asks:

“Abe,
Thank you so much for your help with my shortcoming. I read your email today about “acceptance.” My wife and I have been separated for 4 months because of both our anger issues. Tonight she is away seeing an “X” and his family for Christmas. I guess my question is this. Is acceptance stronger than ignorance?”

Bob

(some minor changes to this letter have been made for clarity and privacy)

What I understand:

It seems Bob is saying his wife is “ignorant.” He is asking if his “acceptance” should include not challenging her “ignorance”, referring to her spending time with a former boyfriend (an X). He also reveals that he and his wife have been separated for four months because of “anger issues.”

My reply:

Dear Bob,

From the little I know of your situation my thinking goes like this:
Within a marriage, it is advisable to “accept” the small things. As the saying goes, “don’t sweat the small stuff.” However, larger issues must be dealt with tactfully, sensitively, and kindly. If your wife seeks to reconcile with you, certainly being involved with an “X” would be counterproductive. However, if she considers her relationship with you “over,” then dating another person (in this case “an X”) would be reasonable.

You give an important clue as to why you two broke-up. You say you have been separated because of “anger issues”?and I am certain you are on spot with that one. Anger is the number one cause of relationship failure. And
the number one reason for anger is blaming someone else for its expression.

Likely, if you and your wife were to promise not to get angry, and you both succeeded, you could put your relationship back together. Learn to talk calmly about your “big” problems, but “don’t sweat the small stuff” - surefire ingredients for relationship success.

I work with clients of all ages. I have one client that is eight-years-old and having behavior problems at school. I gave him my Anger Control audio program as a simple gesture, not thinking he could do much with it because
of his young age. Surprise! His parents told me both his teachers are reporting he is staying calm and avoiding anger. In discussion, to my amazement . . . and satisfaction . . . he understood the CD almost perfectly.

If an eight-year-old can learn to control himself, so can anyone else with an anger problem. Does this apply to you? If so give it a try . . . it may be a real lifesaver.
http://wisdomscientific.com/proddetail.php?prod=502

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What relationship disease can have devastating consequences?

December 12th, 2007 by Abe Kass

There’s an intersection on my way to work. One direction has right of way . . . till everybody stops “as if” there were a stop-sign! Why? Most people “assume” there is a stop-sign—but there isn’t one. Politely they `wait until the cars with the stop-sign take their turn and proceed. Confusion reigns as a result of this assumption” about a stop-sign.

Do you know how many relationships are messed-up because of “assumptions?” any assumptions lead to divorce. Children without two parents. Poverty. Depression. Anxiety. And even violence.

Example #1: Sharon and her husband Peter have just married. Sharon is lonely. Her husband Peter spends the evening on the computer. She calls him names and tells him she wants nothing to do with him. Peter thinks Sharon hates him, and stays away. Sharon becomes even lonelier.

Can you figure out the assumption?

Answer: Peter assumes his wife “hates” him. Actually she loves him and that why she is upset. She wants to spend time with him.

After many years of this relationship dynamic, image what the results might be? (Truly hating each other, divorced?)

———

Example #2: Seventeen-year-old Mike misses his dad. His parents divorced two years ago. Mike is angry at his mother whom he lives with. He blames her for his father leaving. He curses her and breaks things. Mike is also angry at his father for not giving him the attention he used to get in the past. Mikes parent’s discussed his anger and conclude he needs to be punished. Each takes a turn reading the “riot act.” They take away his bike, ground him, and stop giving him allowance. Mike says he hates them. Mike’s parents describe him as vengeful and out-of-control.

Can you figure out the assumption?

Answer: The parents assume Mike is out-of-control, rejecting and uncooperative. Actually, he loves his parents and family very much and he is devastated by its destruction. He wants more of his dad and he wants his mother to explain why she wanted a divorce. Sadly, no one talks to him so he has no way to constructively channel his fears, legitimate anger, and feelings of being abandoned.

If Mike’s normal feelings are not acknowledged, imagine in a few years where he may end up. (As a criminal, on drugs, running away from home, kicked-out of his house?)

Do you think you know what’s happening between you and another. Think again. Maybe it is based on a false “assumption.”

Don’t let the “assumption” disease ruin your life!By learning how to communicate effectively you can avoid assumptions. Surprisingly,but true — “listening” is not only harder than “talking”. . . but it is also much more important! I have a program to help you: Relationship Listening — attract the people you like and bring them close to you. Listen effectively and understand those around you.
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Regards to you and your family,
Abe

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