1. Realistic expectations
2. Communication
3. Conflict resolution
4. Personality
5. Religious orientation

Couples that fight or drift apart score low on these scales. Happily married couples score high.

If you need to save your marriage, this marital research can get you the marriage help you need. For the rest of us, it’s simply good marriage advice.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

When “expectations” are unrealistic (either too high or too low)—frustration and disappointment is imminent. When expectations are balanced and realistic, it is relatively easy to feel content.

It is essential to marital contentment that expectations are aligned with to one’s partner’s aptitude. “He may never be the best communicator, but it is ok.” “She may never be well organized and tidy, but I can live with it.” Adjusting one’s “expectations” to the reality of one’s partner is good marriage advice and contributes directly to relationship harmony.

As well, all successful couples and families must adapt to changing circumstances. Be they changes that are predictable—like the birth of children or advancing age—or changes that are unanticipated—such as unemployment or serious illness. All these “challenges” require an adjustment of one’s expectations.

The best marriage help is often simply maintaining “low expectations” about what your partner can and cannot do for you.

COMMUNICATION

Satisfying conversations between a husband and wife builds closeness and trust. Marital research has shown that there needs to be at least 5 positive interactions to each negative one for there to be feelings of closeness. Even one criticism, or angry outburst, can undo the value of many positive interactions. (The mind remembers negative interactions longer than positive ones!) Understanding this highlights the importance of continually engaging in positive and pleasant communication, while trying to minimize negative interactions. The challenge is to produce the greatest number of positive verbal interactions with the fewest negative interactions.

If your relationship is in serious trouble, pleasant interactions alone may be able to save your marriage and prevent divorce

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

The goal in marriage is to live together in peace and harmony. However, for many couples, marriage will at times include occasional disagreements or conflicts. When this happens it is essential to keep the conflict small and contained.

Successful conflict resolution requires three primary criteria. 1) Stay respectful: No name calling, expressions of strong anger, bulling, or attempts to humiliate. 2) Stick to one topic: Stay focused exclusively on the issue at hand. Resist dragging into the conversation other areas of disagreement or disappointment. 3) Keep it small: The disagreement should only last a few minutes and then be quickly set aside and efforts should be made to restore positive feelings and constructive interactions.

Keeping conflicts contained is marriage advice every couple needs to heed. We can live with a small scratch, but a severed limb can lead to permanent injury or even death. Protect your marriage and keep disagreements small and contained.

PERSONALITY

It is important that you are comfortable with your partner’s personality. He or she doesn’t have to be exactly as you—in fact if this were so, it would probably work against you. Remember, during courtship there was attraction. You chose to marry each other! Even after many years of marriage, that attraction it is still there—at least in potential.

True—years of misunderstanding and conflict can create deep resentment. This accumulated negative emotion can actually change your perception of your partner, leaving you unable to accurately see who he or she really is. For this reason, as much as possible, conflict should be avoided, or at least you should try to look past it when it does occur and seek out the parts of your partner’s personality that you like.

Being receptive to your partner’s new efforts to improve how he or she relates to you can actually save your marriage. If you don’t notice your partner’s good intentions and efforts, then what you are really saying is, “nothing can help your marriage.” Let your partner show you how he or she can modify his or her personality for the better.

RELIGIOUS ORIENTATION

Dissimilar spiritual and cultural differences can stress relationships. Religious orientation includes a set of rules that guides the couple in setting goals, making decisions, and raising children. When religious orientation and culture are similar, this becomes a set of shared values that contribute to a healthy and cohesive family.

ESSENTIAL MARRIAGE ADVICE

Even though formal training in these personal and relationship dynamics are not readily available, you and your partner can work toward achieving a high score. The more you achieve, the closer and more comfortable you will feel with each other and the greater the likelihood your relationship will last the distance.

Take a few moments and review these five scales. Together with your partner, generate a list of suggestions that when implemented will give you the loving relationship you seek. Let these five dynamics lead you to the marriage help you need.

Unlike what many believe, relationship harmony is not “chemistry,”—rather its hard work leading to concrete relationship skills . . . so roll up your sleeves and get started!

Marriage research shows that couples that score high in these five areas, although not necessarily perfect in every way, share happy and meaningful lives. Save your marriage or make your marriage better. Use this marriage advice to make your primary relationship the best it can be.

1. Stay positive and talk mostly about the things you like. Your partner will avoid you if you are a fountain of negativity.
2. Communication connects you with your partner. “Solving problems” should only be a small fraction of what you talk about. Communicate mostly about things of common interest. Your partner will not appreciate ongoing attempts to negotiate problems and difficulties. Make communication fun. Talk about enjoyable stuff. Don’t make talking together burdensome.
3. When you do need to “solve a problem,” it is best to agree to a time to “talk” rather than “jump” on your partner when he or she is not prepared. If you don’t follow this advice, don’t be surprised if you get a negative response!
4. When “solving problems,” take turns expressing your opinions. Avoid accusations and anger–if they do occur, stop talking and take a break.
5. Being a good listener is a great way to increase closeness and passion. As your partner talks, summarize what you hear as proof you are listening.

If you follow these simple suggestions you will be happy together. With this in mind, go and build your relationship success.

It is not uncommon to hear this complaint; sometimes from husbands and sometimes from wives. Regardless, having to bear your partner telling you that, “You don’t know how to talk,” can be very upsetting and discouraging.

My suggestions: Give him the following to read . . .

When two people talk, most of the time (I would guess about 98% of the time) the primary goal is to create “pleasant moments.” Why? Because these “pleasant moments,” create feelings of endearment, closeness, trust, and love–or the opposite. (The exception is when you need to solve a problem – how to do this is for another time.)

To use an analogy: A house is not built with one, two, or ten bricks–but thousands upon thousands. So too, a relationship is built on thousands and thousands of little interactions–simple communications–that accumulate overtime. A single moment’s interaction, in and of itself, has little impact. However, add them all up over ten, twenty, or thirty years; this becomes the defining characteristic of the partnership. When you correct how your wife talks, you make her regret this moment with you with the result, she will seek to avoid you ‘the person’.

Moral of this story: Let your husband or wife talk. Let them use whatever words or ways they chose to express themselves. Your job is to understand. If you don’t, ask respectful ‘curious questions’. And then move on . . .

I have seen this tiny bit of advice–that is very easy to implement–quickly sweeten a sour relationship. If the above applies to you, don’t wait for another moment. Rebuild your “relationship house” with warm and comfortable words that create “pleasant moments.”

When we were kids, we dreamed of living in a “candy house.” Now is your chance.

Wishing you and your family the best,

Abe

LET’S TALK

Catch me when I am available (EST.) and we can have a brief consultation. Only $3 minute Canadian funds. 5 minutes minimum. Pay with Master Card, Visa, or American Express. 905. 771. 1087.

Can looking in a mirror be a sign of mental illness? Yes; if you are looking for the wrong reasons. Cleanliness, neatness, and being fashionable are fine. But excessive mirror gazing, introspection, second guessing and the like, are likely signs of loneliness. If left untreated, “loneliness” can go on to depression and anxiety.

Prognosis—what happens with treatment and what happens without treatment:

Treated: When treated, loneliness can easily be eliminated. For many people managing close relationships is easy. For others it takes effort and learning how. When a “lonely” individual does so, he or she can quickly find interesting people to “hang” with. If the loneliness is with one’s spouse, renewing the relationship and creating new opportunities for closeness and intimacy should be the plan. It is natural for humans to live in clans and since every person has these instincts, it is relatively easy to achieve.

Untreated: When “loneliness” is allowed to fester and spread, it can overwhelm all the other natural emotions (happiness, determination, self-preservation, etc.) and take over a person’s entire life. Eventually, loneliness can lead to serious depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. If loneliness is not eliminated, it can hold a person back from many important opportunities.

Lonely? I have a solution. My relationship enhancing audio program, Relationship Listening – Attract the People You Like and Bring Them Close to You. Learn for only 8-minutes-a-day for three weeks and you can gain a very powerful relationship enhancing skill—the power to be a great listener. In just a few hours of effort you can learn how to be popular and with your partner, his or her positive and romantic feelings towards you will dramatically increase. It really works. Thousands have already used this powerful relationship tonic. Give it a try. It’s only 29.95. Click for more information.

“I thought that your article on marital kindness was very wise and true.

I am hoping that you will follow up on what should one do with a spouse who no matter HOW kind–or HOW giving one is in a relationship, he/she does not act with kindness as well.”

Answer:

Thanks for your good question. You touch upon the one flaw in every truism (that which claims to always be true), that sometimes it is false.

Yes, there are people that no matter how “kind” you are to them, they do not reciprocate the kindness. So then the question is, “what to do?”

1. Better for you. Certainly, you should keep up your efforts to be kind. It is healthy for you. You feel good and develop the good behavioral habits that will enhance your relationships with others.
   
2. Measure your “kindness” by the one that receives it. Sometimes what we think is “kindness” can be experienced by the receiver as “annoying” or the like. Make sure your “kindness” is truly experienced as kindness. You may need to simply ask the other person how he or she experienced a particular intended act of “kindness.”
3. Maybe they will change in time. Some people are slow to change. You may have increased your efforts at being kind, and you know your agenda, but the other person does not. He or she needs to experience you renewed efforts to be kind over an extended time. Then, the recipient of your kindness will respond by increasing their kindness toward you.
4. Seek professional help. Some people are injured by past relationship traumas. And of these individuals, some cannot overcome it without the help of a caring and trained mental health professional. If you are in a relationship with such a person, encourage them to get the help they need.
5. If cruel, and there is no way to fix the problem, consider ending your relationship. You were born to be happy and are entitled to be respected. If you are in a relationship and continually treated with cruelty and overt disrespect, no matter how kind you are, consider ending it. However, make sure you have done everything to remedy the situation. Yes, marriage and family are sacred—but that doesn’t mean you should live with abuse. Tell your partner, “let’s fix this on our own or use the professional services of a caring marriage and family therapist. If not, I will choose not stay with you.”

If you are in a relationship with a person that is reasonably emotionally healthy, kindness will certainly pay-off and be returned to you. Being “kind” even to the undeserving (according to your judgment) is a tonic for your soul. So even if you don’t get any immediate response from the recipient, you will still be healthier and happier.

Thanks for the question and hope this answer stimulates some healthy thinking.

Abe

Not a single person in the entire world would partner with another if he or she thought their future mate would not treat him or her with kindness. Kindness is the fertile soil in which affection can grow. Kindness is the foundation upon which a strong and healthy family can be built.

Kindness is kindness; whether donating a million dollars to a hospital or opening the door for an unknown stranger. Kindness is available 24/7 and the reward is immediate. What a wonderful opportunity to experience and spread “feel good” vibes!

Marriage and common law partnerships are voluntary; a person in a committed relationship must continually choose to stay with his or her partner. This is relationship reality whether we agree with it or not. When kindness is abundant within the relationship the choice to stay together is easy. Kindness ensures a happy home.

Showing kindness to your spouse is fundamental to marriage. Without “kindness” your relationship will sour. Fortunately, it’s easy to be kind. Here are some examples of everyday opportunities:

-Say good morning

-Ask how he or she slept

-Make something for him or her to eat

-Help find something your spouse misplaced

-Check with your spouse to make sure they have everything they need for the day (money, food, information, etc.)

-Call during the day to say hello

-Pickup something at the store

-Listen and comfort your spouse if he or she is upset

-Help your spouse with his or her tasks at home

- Speak gently and respectfully

-Do favors

-Spend time together before going to sleep

-Be loyal and faithful

There are many more ways–planned and unplanned–to behave kindly toward your partner and he or she toward you. The more you do, the closer and healthier your family will be.

On the other hand, a kindness deficiency is the source of marital conflicts and the cause of most divorces. Anger, selfish and irresponsible behavior, and criticism, push away “kindness” and lead to relationship breakdown. The fact that the perpetrator of these hostile feelings and actions feels justified makes no difference. Little by little, lack of kindness chips away at the very foundation of the relationship and everyone in the family suffers.

Think back to the time when you and your partner were courting. When your husband or wife was only your date, how did he or she treat you? With “kindness” or otherwise? Certainly your answer is, “with kindness.” I know because otherwise you would have run the other way–you would have ended your contact immediately never wanting to see him or her again.

You only married your partner believing that the kindness you were shown during the dating period, during your courtship, would last forever. And for a fortunate few, this actually turns out to be true. Sadly, for far too many people, kindness slips away and the relationship becomes a painful struggle. But it needn’t be that way. You can easy be kinder to your partner. Make a decision to be kinder and begin behaving that way.

Being “kind” is actually very simple. The difficulty is starting and not stopping. But if you do, you will have a wonderful partnership with the benefits far outweighing the effort. When you are “kind” to your spouse, and he or she to you, both of you will reap many rewards. Kindness will guarantee happiness.

Kindness is remembered. Each act of “kindness” toward your spouse creates for you a relationship credit. These credits are saved-up like dollars in a bank account. When you hurt your partner’s feelings—intentionally or unintentionally—these “relationship credits” can be used to reestablish harmony. They stand as advocates mitigating your partner’s hurt feelings, negative judgments, or thoughts to retaliate. The more credits you have, the easier it is to get beyond relationship mistakes.

Research has shown that it takes on average five positive interactions to eliminate one negative one. Thus, the more “relationship credits” you have, the more relationship mistakes you can survive. For example, if you say good morning daily, but one day forget, either your spouse won’t notice or just will casually mention it. However, if you never say good morning your spouse will likely conclude you don’t care about him or her.

Jerry and Susan were clients of mine (details changed to protect privacy). Once Jerry and Susan had extinguished their anger they were now ready to work in a positive way on their relationship. I instructed: “Make a list of kind behaviors that your partner has done in the past, is currently doing, and could do in the future, that would make you feel loved and cared for.” When they had finished making their lists, they took turns discussing what they had written. Then I told them to exchange lists. Jerry had Susan’s list and Susan had Jerry’s. I suggested they pick from their partner’s list each day two acts of kindness and then do them. I explained that these were “gifts,” given without any conditions. They went home. The next time I saw Jerry and Susan in my office they were both beaming and happy. They didn’t look like the old Jerry and Susan I had first met six weeks ago. “What happened,” I asked. “Simple,” Susan answered, “I did what was on Jerry’s list, and he did what was on mine.”

Kindness is contagious. Being “kind” to your partner creates goodwill and cooperation. When you are kind your partner is far more likely to be, in-turn, kind to you. Emotional closeness, appreciation, and love will grow stronger and stronger with each act of kindness you and your partner show each other. You don’t need to go to therapy to increase your marital acts of kindness. You know yourself what you can do to make your partner happy.

Kindness is essential to a happy relationship. If you are not prepared to be “kind” to your partner, you are writing for yourself a prescription for a failed relationship. You cannot replace kindness with money, good looks, a big house, or exotic trips. Kindness is an attitude that manifests itself in all situations. Being “married” means behaving with “kindness”—it’s just that basic. There are no substitutes for kindness. There is a saying, “What goes around, comes around.” When you give “kindness,” you get “kindness.” Kindness is something you can’t give away—it always comes back.

Have a sweet life; behave kindly toward your partner.

—–

Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T., a is a registered Social Worker, registered Marriage and Family Therapist, certified Hypnotherapist and award winning educator. He has a clinical practice working with individuals, couples, and families in Toronto, Canada. Abe is the publisher of Wisdom Scientific self-help educational programs. He is a member of the Ontario College of Social Workers, the Ontario and American Associations for Marriage and Family Therapy, and the National Board for Certified Clinical Hypnotherapists. These memberships are a guarantee of Abe’s professional training and high ethical standards. For more information or to arrange an appointment he can be reached at (905) 771-1087 or visit his web at, www.AbeKass.com. For a valuable free email newsletter, subscribe at WisdomSceintific.com.

I know how destructive anger is. I hear about it every day in my counselling practice. But do you know how much damage anger can cause?

Here are a few of the many letters I received. Clearly, many are plagued by the “anger dragon”:

Dear Abe,

I have read with interest the information on your website as it describes my situation exactly. I am currently unemployed (and have been for over nine months) and find that I am getting angry with my family over the smallest things. This is upsetting my wife and children and I fell extremely guilty about this. After each blow-up I resolve that it won’t happen again – but it does! I am at a loss to control my anger and family life is not very good at present.

You kindly offered to send a PDF download of your workbook to people who cannot afford to pay for it. Unfortunately I fall into that category and wondered if you would be kind enough to send me a free copy as it sounds like it will be of great help to me. 

Thank you in advance.

Kind regards,

P. K.

===

Hi Abe,

My name is Trevor and I have let anger turn my life in the wrong direction. I am now homeless and without my loving family due to my anger. I have always known that I had a problem with anger and I use to think that I knew how to control it or had it under control. I could use some words of wisdom in this point in my life. Please send me a free copy of your anger control methods.

===

Hello Abe

My name is Cindy and I live in Australia. I’m 23 years old and I have been with my partner Tom for over two years. We live together but there is a big problem. He has a very bad bad temper. He shouts, he throws things about our apartment and curses and insults me, over very silly things.

 Now only on Thursday night, he lost his temper so much with me due to the fact that he had coursework to complete for university and I had sat next to him to give him a kiss, and he flipped out because I got in his way and because I let water in a saucepan boil over.

Now I am of the opinion that his reactions are unnecessary. I see nothing wrong with him saying “Cindy, I just need to finish this report tonight, can you please just give me some time?” His attitude resulted in me getting pushed out the way and getting insulted in ways nobody has ever spoke to me. I got so upset, and Tom was screaming abuse and pushed me out of the flat.

I got in my car and drove to my dad’s house. I stayed there on Thursday night and when Tom text me, he was mad due to the fact I said I was not going back to the flat.

Basically, I apologize for the big rant there. I read online about your workbook, but I have issues financing it, but I would really like to give it to Tom. I have tried to help him myself and I have said that his temper scares me, but I need to try something more drastic, what he does not realise is that he is driving me away with this attitude.

I thank you for any advice you could give me via email, I understand you’re a very busy man and I appreciate you may not be able to but if you could please send me the workbook I would be very grateful.

Many Thanks

===

Hi Abe,

I’m going to be brutally honest in this email.

My wife and I have been together for over a year now. I’m not the same person she fell in love with and this has been going on for almost 6 months. We had the worst fight yesterday, it was so bad that our relationship is more complicated now than anything else. She left me not because of not loving me, but because I hurt her so much when I’m that other person/thing and she didn’t know what else to do.

I read through your site and am in desperate need of your help. I can’t control my anger at all. My wife said I’m the most amazing person to be around, until I get angry and become the unpleasant person. I don’t know what happened that triggered my change and its affecting us both to extreme lengths and I want it to stop.

We love each other so much and are going to regret losing each other for good. I don’t want to lose her, she is the most amazing woman and all she has given me is true love that I’ve never ever experienced before in my life.

We are currently for the time being living apart so that we can both think things through. I need help that I can get rid of this anger for good and that our relationship can be healthy again. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I know if I can be the man she fell in love with again she will feel the same way.

I know people say things don’t happen overnight, but she made me promise that if I do contact her and we get back together she is expecting that overnight change and I want to keep that promise because I love her more than life itself.

Please Abe, I know your site said you’d send the PDF file of “Stop Anger save yourself and your family” it in a few days, but I’m really desperate, a few days might be too late. I need to start making the change now or I’ll lose her forever… and I know her, she made that promise to me and she keeps her promises.

My wife admitted to me that she’s scared of me because she doesn’t know how I’ll react one day, that one day I might just completely snap and become violent. I don’t want that, that’s not who I am nor want to be.

I know she can take care of herself, she a very tough girl and beats up anyone that pushes her too far. For someone like her to say she’s scared of me makes me scared.

I don’t have the money to afford your book and if I did I would honestly buy it.I just don’t know what else to do. I’m in desperate need of help.

Please help me.

Kind regards,

Eric

===

Hi,

I am writing this because I am 17 years old and I am struggling with my anger. Having lived in a family of constant bickering, insults and many fits/bursts I am finally realizing the impact this is having upon my wellbeing. All the affairs and such are things I am finding hard to forgive… like your broken egg analogy (which I did indeed like and relate to).

 I think that having all these pent up feelings is not good for my health or development, or the habits I seem to be creating, and is exacerbating my anger.

I was wondering if I could have a copy of the downloadable book you mention. I don’t want to take you for a ride or anything, I will pay if I have to, though money is tight, because I don’t like taking things without giving something back.

Thanks

===

If you have a problem with anger, or someone in your family does. I suggest you go to:

http://www.wisdomscientific.com/category-Anger-Control.php?cat=8

and purchase one or more of my anger management courses. The family you save may be your own.

Be a Samurai. Kill the “anger dragon.”

Wishing you the best,

Abe

True to life vignette of two newlyweds
Mark told Pam he wanted his college buddies to join him for a birthday celebration. Pam, wanting to please him eagerly agreed. She took the better part of a day preparing sandwiches, cakes and other snacks. The day came. Mark and his friends had a great time. Mark failed to thank Pam for her efforts. She felt used.

Mark told Pam that she spent too much time on the phone. Pam decided Mark needed more attention, so when he came home in the evening she quickly got off the phone. She felt disrespected.

Mark had opinions on almost every subject. He even taught Pam how to “correctly” cut tomatoes. She felt Mark was treating her as if she was a child.

Pam wanted to make Mark “happy,” so she soldiered on, but it was not easy.

Slowly, Pam’s “marital bliss” slipped away. She ate to comfort her upset feelings. Angrily, Mark told her to go on a diet! She felt unattractive in his eyes.

Pam resented Mark’s selfish demands. She was hurt that he did not seem to care about her feelings. Slowly she lost interest in pleasing him. Instead, she became cold and argumentative.

Mark was in his own world and had no idea what happened. He felt disillusioned and confused. His attraction for Pam was decreasing rapidly.

Good marriage advice:
When Pam and Mark showed up in my office seeking help, I explained the following to Mark. It didn’t take long for Mark and Pam to improve their marriage for the better. With a little marriage help at just the right time, they became the two loving turtledoves they once were.

A woman’s nature is to nurture
An emotionally healthy woman naturally wants to please her husband. However, this “feminine instinct” reveals itself only when she feels “loved and cared for.”

A man makes a good wife
When a man criticizes his wife, disrespects her, gets angry, she stops nourishing. In place of caring and helping, she opposes — typically with words and withdrawal of affection.

Practical marriage advice for men:
1. Show gratitude. Thank you wife frequently for all she does.
2. Seek her out. Call her on the phone, ask her how she feels, ask if she needs anything.
3. When she is upset, take time and listen to her. If she is upset with you, be strong and listen. Try to understand without commentary. Ask questions.
4. Never get angry and always be kind.
5. Make her feel in all your interactions with her that she is your TOP priority.

If you are a woman, pass this advice on to your husband or boyfriend. If you are a man—memorize it. This piece of marriage advice can save your marriage and protect your family.