What’s wrong with being right?

February 20th, 2008 by Abe Kass

What’s wrong with being right? Plenty.

A simple social relationship works for one simple reason; the two individuals feel comfortable with each other. And two individuals feel “comfortable” when there is agreement. As 1 + 1 = 2, so too, one agreeing individual together with another agreeing individual equals friendship.

When a person places being “right” over and above “agreement,” there is dissention, arguing, and ill feeling.

Some individuals enjoy the occasional debate or competitive discussion. But in total, this form of communication must be contained and limited or destructive relationship friction will arise. Too much debating will cause friends to part-ways, husbands and wives will fall out-of-love.

You want to have solid, healthy, and long-lasting relationships. We all do. Then put “agreement” before “truth.” (The exception to this is when you need to negotiate an important decision or someone’s wellbeing is at stake.)

Hot Tip:
When you talk to your partner, friend, or even an acquaintance, put “agreement” first. For example: Your husband tells you five bits of information and you disagree with most of what he says. Pick the one thing you agree with most . . . and talk about that. Move the conversation forward with those points you agree with. Doing so will make you popular with whomever you are speaking with.

I have a great audio program that teaches healthy communication. The few dollars it cost is perhaps the greatest investment you will ever make. This program, Relationship Listening - attract the people you like and bring them close to you is an emotional aphrodisiac ensuring successful and long-lasting relationships leading to your own sustained personal happiness.
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What relationship disease can have devastating consequences?

December 12th, 2007 by Abe Kass

There’s an intersection on my way to work. One direction has right of way . . . till everybody stops “as if” there were a stop-sign! Why? Most people “assume” there is a stop-sign—but there isn’t one. Politely they `wait until the cars with the stop-sign take their turn and proceed. Confusion reigns as a result of this assumption” about a stop-sign.

Do you know how many relationships are messed-up because of “assumptions?” any assumptions lead to divorce. Children without two parents. Poverty. Depression. Anxiety. And even violence.

Example #1: Sharon and her husband Peter have just married. Sharon is lonely. Her husband Peter spends the evening on the computer. She calls him names and tells him she wants nothing to do with him. Peter thinks Sharon hates him, and stays away. Sharon becomes even lonelier.

Can you figure out the assumption?

Answer: Peter assumes his wife “hates” him. Actually she loves him and that why she is upset. She wants to spend time with him.

After many years of this relationship dynamic, image what the results might be? (Truly hating each other, divorced?)

———

Example #2: Seventeen-year-old Mike misses his dad. His parents divorced two years ago. Mike is angry at his mother whom he lives with. He blames her for his father leaving. He curses her and breaks things. Mike is also angry at his father for not giving him the attention he used to get in the past. Mikes parent’s discussed his anger and conclude he needs to be punished. Each takes a turn reading the “riot act.” They take away his bike, ground him, and stop giving him allowance. Mike says he hates them. Mike’s parents describe him as vengeful and out-of-control.

Can you figure out the assumption?

Answer: The parents assume Mike is out-of-control, rejecting and uncooperative. Actually, he loves his parents and family very much and he is devastated by its destruction. He wants more of his dad and he wants his mother to explain why she wanted a divorce. Sadly, no one talks to him so he has no way to constructively channel his fears, legitimate anger, and feelings of being abandoned.

If Mike’s normal feelings are not acknowledged, imagine in a few years where he may end up. (As a criminal, on drugs, running away from home, kicked-out of his house?)

Do you think you know what’s happening between you and another. Think again. Maybe it is based on a false “assumption.”

Don’t let the “assumption” disease ruin your life!By learning how to communicate effectively you can avoid assumptions. Surprisingly,but true — “listening” is not only harder than “talking”. . . but it is also much more important! I have a program to help you: Relationship Listening — attract the people you like and bring them close to you. Listen effectively and understand those around you.
http://wisdomscientific.com/proddetail.php?prod=620

Regards to you and your family,
Abe

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Do you know what it means to listen?

November 12th, 2007 by Abe Kass

Good communication is essential for an emotionally intimate relationship. It is the bridge used to share ideas and feelings. But it is much more than that. It is a means to make the person you are talking with feel good. This is precisely why good communication is essential for marital success, as well as success in all other close relationships.

Successful communication is built around one vital skill—LISTENING.

I know what you are thinking. What’s the big deal . . . everybody knows how to listen! True. But listening is more than just hearing. Listening means giving the speaker an emotional massage—and most people don’t know how to do this.

Evaluate your listening skills:

1. When you listen, do you maintain eye contact? (yes) or (no)
2. Do you avoid interrupting the speaker? (yes) or (no)
3. Do you ignore distractions (others trying to mix-in)? (yes) or (no)
4. Hold back from completing the speaker’s sentences? (yes) or (no)
5. Give undivided attention to the speaker (you don’t look at your watch, flip through papers, etc). (yes) or (no)
6. Hold back your opinion unless asked for. (yes) or (no)
7. Summarize for the speaker what you heard said as proof you were listening. (yes) or (no)
8. Ask questions to get more information about what the speaker is discussing. (yes) or (no)
9. Try to identify and acknowledge the speaker’s feelings. (yes) or (no)
10. Listen patiently. (yes) or (no)

If you do all this you are a great listener (you answered “yes” to most of the questions). If you are married, likely you are loved. With all other people you are popular. Everyone likes an “emotional massage”—and good listening is the way to do it. If you got a low score, with a little effort, when you know what to do, you can become an expert listener. It is one of the easiest relationship dynamics to fix.

I have made a terrific little audio program to help you become an expert listener. Learn in only eight minutes a day the best way to create emotional closeness between you and others. Relationship Listening — attract the people you like and bring them close to you

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