Thoughts that destroy!
**Moment of Wisdom #19**
by Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T.
Family Therapist, Esoteric Thinker, Author
When angry at your partner your mind does two things: 1) Repeats — you think over and over again what you are angry about and 2) Embellishes — you make up details that never happened.
Example: Your spouse insults you. 1) You mentally “repeat” the insult. This keeps your anger alive. 2) You “embellish.” This intensifies the anger.
In your head it may sound like this: “She/he insulted me. She said I was . . . (you repeat this 1,000 times).” “She/he always insults me, She/he treats me very poorly, She/he doesn’t love me (you embellished with extra thoughts that the facts (what actually happened) can’t support — see underlines.
This anger provoking thinking can continue for hours and even days gradually eroding positive feelings toward your partner.
For the health of your relationship you must stop these damaging thoughts. Here are three steps:
1. Reject anger. Recognize that keeping the anger going provides no comfort for you or improvement to your relationship. Better to kill these damaging thoughts.
2. Distract yourself. Do something in particular that engages your mind. You need to grab your attention so the unhealthy angry thoughts are replaced with more calming and healthy thoughts.
3. Stand guard against future angry thoughts. When they appear, reject them.
Relationship harmony requires not only love and attraction, but also a willingness to forgive mistakes your partner makes. This requires self discipline – specifically the rejection of angry thoughts.
The best,
Abe
Is marriage is worth crying over?
NEWS FLASH: … in the June 4, 2009 (today) edition of the National Post out of Canada, it is reported the cost of divorce to Canadian taxpayers for the social assistance that is needed for single parent families is 7-billion dollars. That’s right . . . “7-billion dollars!” One can only imagine the cost to Americans!
So here’s the point: Divorce leads to poverty, for many divorced individuals and taxpayer. Most divorces could have been, and can be, prevented with effective premarital education and accessible professional assistance, if needed, along the way.
The problem: Most people have such a negative view of marriage they don’t think divorce can be prevented. Today I was looking for positive quotes by noted thinkers on marriage (for a new book I am writing). I was shocked that ¾ of the recorded quotes were negative—sarcasms, jokes, and outright attacks on the institution of marriage. It feels overwhelming when considering how to convince people they should stay together and improve their relationship rather than giving up, divorcing, and falling into poverty (as reported above) as well as emotional breakdown for everyone in the family and an increase in the risk of childhood delinquency. It seems like closing the barn door after the horse has already escaped—the general attitude about marriage is so negative it is useless trying to convince people otherwise.
WISDOM: A happy committed relationship has the greatest impact on one’s quality of life—greater than anything else. And like all other worthwhile goals in life, success comes only through dedicated hard work. If you are interested in how to make your marriage work better, read my book Relationship Glue. Marriage is voluntary. And when two people positively contribute to each other the relationship is a happy and long-lasting one. We should never give-up. To quote a well known Jewish saying: Saving one life is like saving the world. Just imagine the good in saving two lives or more (include the children when you do the math) when a family is rescued from divorce and destruction. (There are rare acceptations when divorce is necessary—but details about this are far beyond the scope of the message.)
What do millions of decisions lead to?
Happiness is not the result of good fortune. It comes with the accumulation of millions of good decisions. Happiness is achieved in two ways:
1. How we interact with the world. The three most important things in life are family, money, and health. None of these three blessings come without effort. “Family” is built with harmonious relationships with others. “Money” comes from earning and conserving. A failure in either will lead to poverty. “Health” can be enhanced or ruined by how we treat our body.
2. How we interpret what happens to us. Things happen. This is life. Sometimes they are anticipated and sometimes they come as a total surprise. How you interpret what happens creates “your story.” Give “it” a positive spin, and it will feel good. The opposite is also true.
Excluding major tragedy, we make or break our happiness. Isn’t it fortunate that we have so much control over our lives?
From times of old until today; soul searchers, mystics, and the spiritual have sought perpetual happiness. Those that have succeeded have mastered the above. In my next edition of Moment of Wisdom, I will tell you a bit about how to do it.
Until then, be well and love those close to you. No one is perfect. But he or she needs your love, and so too, you need theirs.
Get started now. With my “Enter Happiness — discover how to create happy feelings” program you will see how happiness can be yours. To truly be happy, you must choose so.
http://wisdomscientific.com
Wishing you and your family the best,
Abe