“I thought that your article on marital kindness was very wise and true.

I am hoping that you will follow up on what should one do with a spouse who no matter HOW kind–or HOW giving one is in a relationship, he/she does not act with kindness as well.”

Answer:

Thanks for your good question. You touch upon the one flaw in every truism (that which claims to always be true), that sometimes it is false.

Yes, there are people that no matter how “kind” you are to them, they do not reciprocate the kindness. So then the question is, “what to do?”

1. Better for you. Certainly, you should keep up your efforts to be kind. It is healthy for you. You feel good and develop the good behavioral habits that will enhance your relationships with others.
   
2. Measure your “kindness” by the one that receives it. Sometimes what we think is “kindness” can be experienced by the receiver as “annoying” or the like. Make sure your “kindness” is truly experienced as kindness. You may need to simply ask the other person how he or she experienced a particular intended act of “kindness.”
3. Maybe they will change in time. Some people are slow to change. You may have increased your efforts at being kind, and you know your agenda, but the other person does not. He or she needs to experience you renewed efforts to be kind over an extended time. Then, the recipient of your kindness will respond by increasing their kindness toward you.
4. Seek professional help. Some people are injured by past relationship traumas. And of these individuals, some cannot overcome it without the help of a caring and trained mental health professional. If you are in a relationship with such a person, encourage them to get the help they need.
5. If cruel, and there is no way to fix the problem, consider ending your relationship. You were born to be happy and are entitled to be respected. If you are in a relationship and continually treated with cruelty and overt disrespect, no matter how kind you are, consider ending it. However, make sure you have done everything to remedy the situation. Yes, marriage and family are sacred—but that doesn’t mean you should live with abuse. Tell your partner, “let’s fix this on our own or use the professional services of a caring marriage and family therapist. If not, I will choose not stay with you.”

If you are in a relationship with a person that is reasonably emotionally healthy, kindness will certainly pay-off and be returned to you. Being “kind” even to the undeserving (according to your judgment) is a tonic for your soul. So even if you don’t get any immediate response from the recipient, you will still be healthier and happier.

Thanks for the question and hope this answer stimulates some healthy thinking.

Abe

Not a single person in the entire world would partner with another if he or she thought their future mate would not treat him or her with kindness. Kindness is the fertile soil in which affection can grow. Kindness is the foundation upon which a strong and healthy family can be built.

Kindness is kindness; whether donating a million dollars to a hospital or opening the door for an unknown stranger. Kindness is available 24/7 and the reward is immediate. What a wonderful opportunity to experience and spread “feel good” vibes!

Marriage and common law partnerships are voluntary; a person in a committed relationship must continually choose to stay with his or her partner. This is relationship reality whether we agree with it or not. When kindness is abundant within the relationship the choice to stay together is easy. Kindness ensures a happy home.

Showing kindness to your spouse is fundamental to marriage. Without “kindness” your relationship will sour. Fortunately, it’s easy to be kind. Here are some examples of everyday opportunities:

-Say good morning

-Ask how he or she slept

-Make something for him or her to eat

-Help find something your spouse misplaced

-Check with your spouse to make sure they have everything they need for the day (money, food, information, etc.)

-Call during the day to say hello

-Pickup something at the store

-Listen and comfort your spouse if he or she is upset

-Help your spouse with his or her tasks at home

- Speak gently and respectfully

-Do favors

-Spend time together before going to sleep

-Be loyal and faithful

There are many more ways–planned and unplanned–to behave kindly toward your partner and he or she toward you. The more you do, the closer and healthier your family will be.

On the other hand, a kindness deficiency is the source of marital conflicts and the cause of most divorces. Anger, selfish and irresponsible behavior, and criticism, push away “kindness” and lead to relationship breakdown. The fact that the perpetrator of these hostile feelings and actions feels justified makes no difference. Little by little, lack of kindness chips away at the very foundation of the relationship and everyone in the family suffers.

Think back to the time when you and your partner were courting. When your husband or wife was only your date, how did he or she treat you? With “kindness” or otherwise? Certainly your answer is, “with kindness.” I know because otherwise you would have run the other way–you would have ended your contact immediately never wanting to see him or her again.

You only married your partner believing that the kindness you were shown during the dating period, during your courtship, would last forever. And for a fortunate few, this actually turns out to be true. Sadly, for far too many people, kindness slips away and the relationship becomes a painful struggle. But it needn’t be that way. You can easy be kinder to your partner. Make a decision to be kinder and begin behaving that way.

Being “kind” is actually very simple. The difficulty is starting and not stopping. But if you do, you will have a wonderful partnership with the benefits far outweighing the effort. When you are “kind” to your spouse, and he or she to you, both of you will reap many rewards. Kindness will guarantee happiness.

Kindness is remembered. Each act of “kindness” toward your spouse creates for you a relationship credit. These credits are saved-up like dollars in a bank account. When you hurt your partner’s feelings—intentionally or unintentionally—these “relationship credits” can be used to reestablish harmony. They stand as advocates mitigating your partner’s hurt feelings, negative judgments, or thoughts to retaliate. The more credits you have, the easier it is to get beyond relationship mistakes.

Research has shown that it takes on average five positive interactions to eliminate one negative one. Thus, the more “relationship credits” you have, the more relationship mistakes you can survive. For example, if you say good morning daily, but one day forget, either your spouse won’t notice or just will casually mention it. However, if you never say good morning your spouse will likely conclude you don’t care about him or her.

Jerry and Susan were clients of mine (details changed to protect privacy). Once Jerry and Susan had extinguished their anger they were now ready to work in a positive way on their relationship. I instructed: “Make a list of kind behaviors that your partner has done in the past, is currently doing, and could do in the future, that would make you feel loved and cared for.” When they had finished making their lists, they took turns discussing what they had written. Then I told them to exchange lists. Jerry had Susan’s list and Susan had Jerry’s. I suggested they pick from their partner’s list each day two acts of kindness and then do them. I explained that these were “gifts,” given without any conditions. They went home. The next time I saw Jerry and Susan in my office they were both beaming and happy. They didn’t look like the old Jerry and Susan I had first met six weeks ago. “What happened,” I asked. “Simple,” Susan answered, “I did what was on Jerry’s list, and he did what was on mine.”

Kindness is contagious. Being “kind” to your partner creates goodwill and cooperation. When you are kind your partner is far more likely to be, in-turn, kind to you. Emotional closeness, appreciation, and love will grow stronger and stronger with each act of kindness you and your partner show each other. You don’t need to go to therapy to increase your marital acts of kindness. You know yourself what you can do to make your partner happy.

Kindness is essential to a happy relationship. If you are not prepared to be “kind” to your partner, you are writing for yourself a prescription for a failed relationship. You cannot replace kindness with money, good looks, a big house, or exotic trips. Kindness is an attitude that manifests itself in all situations. Being “married” means behaving with “kindness”—it’s just that basic. There are no substitutes for kindness. There is a saying, “What goes around, comes around.” When you give “kindness,” you get “kindness.” Kindness is something you can’t give away—it always comes back.

Have a sweet life; behave kindly toward your partner.

—–

Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T., a is a registered Social Worker, registered Marriage and Family Therapist, certified Hypnotherapist and award winning educator. He has a clinical practice working with individuals, couples, and families in Toronto, Canada. Abe is the publisher of Wisdom Scientific self-help educational programs. He is a member of the Ontario College of Social Workers, the Ontario and American Associations for Marriage and Family Therapy, and the National Board for Certified Clinical Hypnotherapists. These memberships are a guarantee of Abe’s professional training and high ethical standards. For more information or to arrange an appointment he can be reached at (905) 771-1087 or visit his web at, www.AbeKass.com. For a valuable free email newsletter, subscribe at WisdomSceintific.com.

If the dead could talk they would tell you to appreciate life while you have it. To love, to learn and to rejoice. And “if not now, when”?

You were born to be happy. Celebrate your creation.

Enjoy your life,
Abe

In the moment of feeling depressed, it is hard to consider these common causes. This is why many people fail to do the actual things needed to eliminate the painful feelings of depression that often interfere with everyday behavior.

Even worse, some individuals try to overcome the stress that feeds depression through gambling, substance abuse, inappropriate internet use, being over medicated, or an excessive focus on fitness, weight, and disease. These attempted solutions do not work and because of the destructive nature of these activities, they go on to create new problems—some worse than the depression itself.

On the other hand, individuals that avoid depression find healthy and practical ways to reduce stress and maintain their emotional balance. For example: An unhappy wife finds a way to communicate to her husband that something he does bothers her and she perseveres until the necessary change is implemented or a man that can’t adequately support his family finds a way to earn more money.

Depression and similar mental ailments are nothing new. They have been around as long as humankind. Mental stress is natural to the human condition. Like physical pain, mental stress can be an early warning signal that something significant needs to be changed. Unfortunately, we live in a pill popping, fast food, instant gratification world. Alleviating depression via hard work seems inconsistent with “modern norms.” Ignoring the problem or taking a pill often seems like the best solution. I wish it was, but sadly for most, it is not. Rather, relationship enrichment, new thought patterns or a healthier lifestyle or other efforts, or all the above, are what is needed.

 A man in his mid-twenties came to me for psychotherapy. Both his family doctor and a psychiatrist had diagnosed him as having a severe depression. They started him off on antidepressant medication to ease his discomfort.

When first meeting him he was sad, tearful and confused. He reported that he had no idea why this was happening. He had been married a few years. Recently, his wife had given birth to their first child. Immediately afterwards he had become depressed.

In talking with him, we understood his becoming a father was the trigger that caused his depression. We discussed his own relationship with his father. He realized his entire adult life he had compared himself to his father. When handing me a check to pay for his appointment, he noted his signature was an imitation of his father’s.

Exploring his growing-up years and current beliefs, he came to understand his depression was coming from his own insecurities about being a father. He had never developed his own identity and was not sure how to be a “father” to his own son. He had fantasized that his father had been the “perfect father.” When actually he hadn’t—his father had been an alcoholic and hit him when he was a child. The mental stress created by what he imagined his father to be and how he actually was had confused him and made him depressed. How could he be the “perfect father” like his father when his father was so “imperfect?” This all left him feeling overwhelmed and hopeless.

At his follow up session with the psychiatrist, he was feelings so much calmer and confident the doctor discontinued the medication. The medication took three to four weeks to create an effect and after just one week of psychotherapy he already felt much better. 

This young man continued to see me for another nine months. His father, who had been a successful politician and lawyer—a man of influence and means—took on a less idealized image in his mind. Rather, he now could see his father as a man with virtues and faults. Knowing this led to his accepting that he himself did not have to be perfect, and as a father he only needed to “do his best.”

 Another client came to me for help in overcoming his depression. He told me whether hiking in the Alaskan Yukon or the Jungles of Kenya, his depression and feelings of suicide remained with him. His point: You can’t resolve your problems with superficial changes (such as traveling). Problems follow a person wherever he or she goes.

We worked together for several months to uncover the source of his sadness and develop a strategy to move forward. It worked! Twenty years later he is happy, married, and has three lovely children. He faced his problems, made the necessary adjustments, and is now reaping the benefits.

With a willingness to honestly face the issues in one’s life and then making the necessary changes, mental stress can be reduced or eliminated. For many unhappy individuals—depression can be defeated.

Sadly, many people suffer from depression. I have often felt depression is caused by a traumatic event or a dysfunctional lifestyle — not a chemical imbalance as the drug companies would have us believe. In fact, I have had many arguments about this with my medical friends!

Read this article: www.Newsweek.com/id/232781/page/1

Lesson learned: Depressed? Change your thought patterns, live a healthy lifestyle . . . be happy. Learn how, assert your free will, change how you think and react . . . you can do it (if you want)!

Try this for help escaping depression: www.wisdomscientific.com/proddetail.php?prod=506CD&cat=12

P.S. Certainly some individuals suffer from depressive conditions that are biologically based and medical treatment is needed. However, these individuals do not account for the 27 million users counted in 2005.

Regards,
Abe

So here’s the point: Divorce leads to poverty, for many divorced individuals and taxpayer. Most divorces could have been, and can be, prevented with effective premarital education and accessible professional assistance, if needed, along the way.

The problem: Most people have such a negative view of marriage they don’t think divorce can be prevented. Today I was looking for positive quotes by noted thinkers on marriage (for a new book I am writing). I was shocked that ¾ of the recorded quotes were negative—sarcasms, jokes, and outright attacks on the institution of marriage. It feels overwhelming when considering how to convince people they should stay together and improve their relationship rather than giving up, divorcing, and falling into poverty (as reported above) as well as emotional breakdown for everyone in the family and an increase in the risk of childhood delinquency. It seems like closing the barn door after the horse has already escaped—the general attitude about marriage is so negative it is useless trying to convince people otherwise.

WISDOM:  A happy committed relationship has the greatest impact on one’s quality of life—greater than anything else. And like all other worthwhile goals in life, success comes only through dedicated hard work. If you are interested in how to make your marriage work better, read my book Relationship Glue. Marriage is voluntary. And when two people positively contribute to each other the relationship is a happy and long-lasting one. We should never give-up. To quote a well known Jewish saying: Saving one life is like saving the world. Just imagine the good in saving two lives or more (include the children when you do the math) when a family is rescued from divorce and destruction. (There are rare acceptations when divorce is necessary—but details about this are far beyond the scope of the message.)

1. Love of self and others. This position creates inner peace and peace with the outside world. Happiness can only reside when peaces reigns supreme.

2. Anger is transmuted to acceptance. Disappointment in health, relationships, and money can lead to anger. It can also lead to “acceptance.” Acceptance is the fertile ground for happiness to grow.

3. Live harmonious with universal principles. Reality is a spectrum. Some levels are visible and some are not. However, like radiation, even those dimensions that are invisible still have a strong impact. We naturally comply with reality we can see—visible realties. For example the reality of excessive heat stops us from sticking our hand in fire. So too, invisible realities like “not to steal” impacts as well. For example, if someone steals—regardless of whether he or she gets caught—there is a spiritual injury weakening the individual. “Not
to steal” is a natural spiritual law, just like not putting your hand in fire. Only the physically and spiritually strong can be fully happy.

I heard from several of you last week how much you are enjoying the {Moment of Wisdom}. I thank you for your positive thoughts. When you encourage a friend to subscribe to the {Moment of Wisdom} we then become partners. Working together, more people will benefit from this “good deed.”

With the New Year approaching, consider offering a subscription to the {Moment of Wisdom} to your family and friends listed in your email address book. What a great idea for a New Year’s resolution: helping those you love and care about, live healthy and happy lives.

Get started now. With my “Enter Happiness — discover how to create happy feelings” program.
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1. How we interact with the world. The three most important things in life are family, money, and health. None of these three blessings come without effort. “Family” is built with harmonious relationships with others. “Money” comes from earning and conserving. A failure in either will lead to poverty. “Health” can be enhanced or ruined by how we treat our body.

2. How we interpret what happens to us. Things happen. This is life. Sometimes they are anticipated and sometimes they come as a total surprise. How you interpret what happens creates “your story.” Give “it” a positive spin, and it will feel good. The opposite is also true.

Excluding major tragedy, we make or break our happiness. Isn’t it fortunate that we have so much control over our lives?

From times of old until today; soul searchers, mystics, and the spiritual have sought perpetual happiness. Those that have succeeded have mastered the above. In my next edition of Moment of Wisdom, I will tell you a bit about how to do it.

Until then, be well and love those close to you. No one is perfect. But he or she needs your love, and so too, you need theirs.

Get started now. With my “Enter Happiness — discover how to create happy feelings” program you will see how happiness can be yours. To truly be happy, you must choose so.
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Wishing you and your family the best,
Abe

Take the quiz:

1. When you go to bed, do you look forward to the next day?
   (yes) or (no)
2. When you wakeup in the morning, are you enthusiastic about
   starting your day? (yes) or (no)
3. Are you happy with whom you are? (yes) or (no)
4. Is your work satisfying? (yes) or (no)
5. Do you feel respected by others? (yes) or (no)
6. Do you love someone dearly? (yes) or (no)
7. Does someone love you dearly? (yes) or (no)
8. Do you anticipate a good future? (yes) or (no)
9. Do you trust people? (yes) or (no)
10. Do you believe in giving charity? (yes) or (no)
11. Do opportunities knock on you door? (yes) or (no)
12. Do you make serious efforts to stay healthy? (yes) or (no)

Your Score:

Add up how many times you answered “yes.” What is your totalscore?

*** If you answered “yes” to 10 or more questions, you are a“happy camper.”

** If you answered “yes” to 7 or more questions, you are moody and in need of a “happiness boost.”

* If you answered “yes” to only 5 or more questions, you are likely miserable. Sorry, I am just holding-up the mirror showing you what you disclosed.

Poor score? Learn how to be happy with my little audio program. Listen for just eight-minutes a day. Teach your mind how to attract happy feelings. Enter Happiness — discover how to create happy feelings.

http://www.wisdomscientific.com/proddetail.php?prod=616

Five happiness strategies:

1. Be content with what you have.
2. Don’t fear change. Adjust to changing circumstances.
3. Develop friendly relations with all
4. Make sure there is ample love in your life.
5. Train your mind to “count your blessings.”

*******************

Tip for the wise:

Happy people are more popular, healthier, and get more love.

*******************
Live your life fully with happiness and passion. Otherwise, you are ½ dead.

Yes, I know it’s difficult to always be happy. Still, most of us can . . . most of the time . . . genuinely feel happy. Need help? Try my audio program: Enter Happiness — discover how to create happy feelings.

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