The anger dragon still lives . . . Don’t get burned!
Recently I offered as part of a Google campaign a free copy of my anger management book, Stop Anger: Save Yourself and Your Family to those individuals that couldn’t afford to buy it. I got many responses and sent out more than twenty.
I know how destructive anger is. I hear about it every day in my counselling practice. But do you know how much damage anger can cause?
Here are a few of the many letters I received. Clearly, many are plagued by the “anger dragon”:
Dear Abe,
I have read with interest the information on your website as it describes my situation exactly. I am currently unemployed (and have been for over nine months) and find that I am getting angry with my family over the smallest things. This is upsetting my wife and children and I fell extremely guilty about this. After each blow-up I resolve that it won’t happen again – but it does! I am at a loss to control my anger and family life is not very good at present.
You kindly offered to send a PDF download of your workbook to people who cannot afford to pay for it. Unfortunately I fall into that category and wondered if you would be kind enough to send me a free copy as it sounds like it will be of great help to me.
Thank you in advance.
Kind regards,
P. K.
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Hi Abe,
My name is Trevor and I have let anger turn my life in the wrong direction. I am now homeless and without my loving family due to my anger. I have always known that I had a problem with anger and I use to think that I knew how to control it or had it under control. I could use some words of wisdom in this point in my life. Please send me a free copy of your anger control methods.
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Hello Abe
My name is Cindy and I live in Australia. I’m 23 years old and I have been with my partner Tom for over two years. We live together but there is a big problem. He has a very bad bad temper. He shouts, he throws things about our apartment and curses and insults me, over very silly things.
Now only on Thursday night, he lost his temper so much with me due to the fact that he had coursework to complete for university and I had sat next to him to give him a kiss, and he flipped out because I got in his way and because I let water in a saucepan boil over.
Now I am of the opinion that his reactions are unnecessary. I see nothing wrong with him saying “Cindy, I just need to finish this report tonight, can you please just give me some time?” His attitude resulted in me getting pushed out the way and getting insulted in ways nobody has ever spoke to me. I got so upset, and Tom was screaming abuse and pushed me out of the flat.
I got in my car and drove to my dad’s house. I stayed there on Thursday night and when Tom text me, he was mad due to the fact I said I was not going back to the flat.
Basically, I apologize for the big rant there. I read online about your workbook, but I have issues financing it, but I would really like to give it to Tom. I have tried to help him myself and I have said that his temper scares me, but I need to try something more drastic, what he does not realise is that he is driving me away with this attitude.
I thank you for any advice you could give me via email, I understand you’re a very busy man and I appreciate you may not be able to but if you could please send me the workbook I would be very grateful.
Many Thanks
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Hi Abe,
I’m going to be brutally honest in this email.
My wife and I have been together for over a year now. I’m not the same person she fell in love with and this has been going on for almost 6 months. We had the worst fight yesterday, it was so bad that our relationship is more complicated now than anything else. She left me not because of not loving me, but because I hurt her so much when I’m that other person/thing and she didn’t know what else to do.
I read through your site and am in desperate need of your help. I can’t control my anger at all. My wife said I’m the most amazing person to be around, until I get angry and become the unpleasant person. I don’t know what happened that triggered my change and its affecting us both to extreme lengths and I want it to stop.
We love each other so much and are going to regret losing each other for good. I don’t want to lose her, she is the most amazing woman and all she has given me is true love that I’ve never ever experienced before in my life.
We are currently for the time being living apart so that we can both think things through. I need help that I can get rid of this anger for good and that our relationship can be healthy again. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I know if I can be the man she fell in love with again she will feel the same way.
I know people say things don’t happen overnight, but she made me promise that if I do contact her and we get back together she is expecting that overnight change and I want to keep that promise because I love her more than life itself.
Please Abe, I know your site said you’d send the PDF file of “Stop Anger save yourself and your family” it in a few days, but I’m really desperate, a few days might be too late. I need to start making the change now or I’ll lose her forever… and I know her, she made that promise to me and she keeps her promises.
My wife admitted to me that she’s scared of me because she doesn’t know how I’ll react one day, that one day I might just completely snap and become violent. I don’t want that, that’s not who I am nor want to be.
I know she can take care of herself, she a very tough girl and beats up anyone that pushes her too far. For someone like her to say she’s scared of me makes me scared.
I don’t have the money to afford your book and if I did I would honestly buy it.I just don’t know what else to do. I’m in desperate need of help.
Please help me.
Kind regards,
Eric
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Hi,
I am writing this because I am 17 years old and I am struggling with my anger. Having lived in a family of constant bickering, insults and many fits/bursts I am finally realizing the impact this is having upon my wellbeing. All the affairs and such are things I am finding hard to forgive… like your broken egg analogy (which I did indeed like and relate to).
I think that having all these pent up feelings is not good for my health or development, or the habits I seem to be creating, and is exacerbating my anger.
I was wondering if I could have a copy of the downloadable book you mention. I don’t want to take you for a ride or anything, I will pay if I have to, though money is tight, because I don’t like taking things without giving something back.
Thanks
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If you have a problem with anger, or someone in your family does. I suggest you go to:
http://www.wisdomscientific.com/category-Anger-Control.php?cat=8
and purchase one or more of my anger management courses. The family you save may be your own.
Be a Samurai. Kill the “anger dragon.”
Wishing you the best,
Abe
Three “truths” to trash
Three “truths” to trash
Hi everybody,
Go ahead and empower yourself to solve your problems. Don’t weaken yourself with unproven beliefs. Here are three common “truths” to trash:
1. “People don’t change.” [Another version] “A leopard doesn’t change its spots” [Meaning people don't change]. Actually, people do change. In fact all of education is based on the precept that “change” is not only possible, but it is easy and for all. If you or a family member has some undesirable behavior, know it can be changed. You, or he or she only needs to “learn” new behaviors.
2. You can only change yourself – you can’t change another person. Sorry, but this has got to be one of the silliest things I have ever heard. The “real truth” is we all influence each other all the time. For example: You want someone to be “nicer,” show them kindness and it will come back to you with dividends.
3. You have to make changes for yourself and not to please others. Balderdash!!! You can, and you do, behave in precise and intentional ways to impress others, to increase the likelihood of getting what you want, etc., etc., etc. For example: When you sought to endear yourself to another, you flirted; dressed in attractive clothes; and carefully constructed your words. You “changed” to please another so they would like/love you. Yes, you can change to please another – and it works and brings you concrete benefits. You can give-up smoking because your family hates it. You can control your anger because you don’t want to frighten your children. You can become more aware of another person’s needs so they will love you.
When I hear these and others so called “truths,” I point to the garbage can and propose this is a good place to leave them.
“Yes we can,” is a much better motto. Hang it on the wall and embed it in your mind. It will give you strength.
Wishing you the best,
Abe
Marriage Advice for Men: How to Make a Good Wife
Mark and Pam had only been married for two months and they already needed marriage help. And if they didn’t get the right marriage advice quickly, likely they would end up hating each other and probably divorced. Here is why:
True to life vignette of two newlyweds
Mark told Pam he wanted his college buddies to join him for a birthday celebration. Pam, wanting to please him eagerly agreed. She took the better part of a day preparing sandwiches, cakes and other snacks. The day came. Mark and his friends had a great time. Mark failed to thank Pam for her efforts. She felt used.
Mark told Pam that she spent too much time on the phone. Pam decided Mark needed more attention, so when he came home in the evening she quickly got off the phone. She felt disrespected.
Mark had opinions on almost every subject. He even taught Pam how to “correctly” cut tomatoes. She felt Mark was treating her as if she was a child.
Pam wanted to make Mark “happy,” so she soldiered on, but it was not easy.
Slowly, Pam’s “marital bliss” slipped away. She ate to comfort her upset feelings. Angrily, Mark told her to go on a diet! She felt unattractive in his eyes.
Pam resented Mark’s selfish demands. She was hurt that he did not seem to care about her feelings. Slowly she lost interest in pleasing him. Instead, she became cold and argumentative.
Mark was in his own world and had no idea what happened. He felt disillusioned and confused. His attraction for Pam was decreasing rapidly.
Good marriage advice:
When Pam and Mark showed up in my office seeking help, I explained the following to Mark. It didn’t take long for Mark and Pam to improve their marriage for the better. With a little marriage help at just the right time, they became the two loving turtledoves they once were.
A woman’s nature is to nurture
An emotionally healthy woman naturally wants to please her husband. However, this “feminine instinct” reveals itself only when she feels “loved and cared for.”
A man makes a good wife
When a man criticizes his wife, disrespects her, gets angry, she stops nourishing. In place of caring and helping, she opposes — typically with words and withdrawal of affection.
Practical marriage advice for men:
1. Show gratitude. Thank you wife frequently for all she does.
2. Seek her out. Call her on the phone, ask her how she feels, ask if she needs anything.
3. When she is upset, take time and listen to her. If she is upset with you, be strong and listen. Try to understand without commentary. Ask questions.
4. Never get angry and always be kind.
5. Make her feel in all your interactions with her that she is your TOP priority.
If you are a woman, pass this advice on to your husband or boyfriend. If you are a man—memorize it. This piece of marriage advice can save your marriage and protect your family.