“I thought that your article on marital kindness was very wise and true.

I am hoping that you will follow up on what should one do with a spouse who no matter HOW kind–or HOW giving one is in a relationship, he/she does not act with kindness as well.”

Answer:

Thanks for your good question. You touch upon the one flaw in every truism (that which claims to always be true), that sometimes it is false.

Yes, there are people that no matter how “kind” you are to them, they do not reciprocate the kindness. So then the question is, “what to do?”

1. Better for you. Certainly, you should keep up your efforts to be kind. It is healthy for you. You feel good and develop the good behavioral habits that will enhance your relationships with others.
   
2. Measure your “kindness” by the one that receives it. Sometimes what we think is “kindness” can be experienced by the receiver as “annoying” or the like. Make sure your “kindness” is truly experienced as kindness. You may need to simply ask the other person how he or she experienced a particular intended act of “kindness.”
3. Maybe they will change in time. Some people are slow to change. You may have increased your efforts at being kind, and you know your agenda, but the other person does not. He or she needs to experience you renewed efforts to be kind over an extended time. Then, the recipient of your kindness will respond by increasing their kindness toward you.
4. Seek professional help. Some people are injured by past relationship traumas. And of these individuals, some cannot overcome it without the help of a caring and trained mental health professional. If you are in a relationship with such a person, encourage them to get the help they need.
5. If cruel, and there is no way to fix the problem, consider ending your relationship. You were born to be happy and are entitled to be respected. If you are in a relationship and continually treated with cruelty and overt disrespect, no matter how kind you are, consider ending it. However, make sure you have done everything to remedy the situation. Yes, marriage and family are sacred—but that doesn’t mean you should live with abuse. Tell your partner, “let’s fix this on our own or use the professional services of a caring marriage and family therapist. If not, I will choose not stay with you.”

If you are in a relationship with a person that is reasonably emotionally healthy, kindness will certainly pay-off and be returned to you. Being “kind” even to the undeserving (according to your judgment) is a tonic for your soul. So even if you don’t get any immediate response from the recipient, you will still be healthier and happier.

Thanks for the question and hope this answer stimulates some healthy thinking.

Abe

If the dead could talk they would tell you to appreciate life while you have it. To love, to learn and to rejoice. And “if not now, when”?

You were born to be happy. Celebrate your creation.

Enjoy your life,
Abe

Hi everybody,

Go ahead and empower yourself to solve your problems. Don’t weaken yourself with unproven beliefs. Here are three common “truths” to trash:

1. “People don’t change.” [Another version] “A leopard doesn’t change its spots” [Meaning people don't change]. Actually, people do change. In fact all of education is based on the precept that “change” is not only possible, but it is easy and for all. If you or a family member has some undesirable behavior, know it can be changed. You, or he or she only needs to “learn” new behaviors.

2. You can only change yourself – you can’t change another person. Sorry, but this has got to be one of the silliest things I have ever heard. The “real truth” is we all influence each other all the time. For example: You want someone to be “nicer,” show them kindness and it will come back to you with dividends.

3. You have to make changes for yourself and not to please others. Balderdash!!! You can, and you do, behave in precise and intentional ways to impress others, to increase the likelihood of getting what you want, etc., etc., etc. For example: When you sought to endear yourself to another, you flirted; dressed in attractive clothes; and carefully constructed your words. You “changed” to please another so they would like/love you. Yes, you can change to please another – and it works and brings you concrete benefits. You can give-up smoking because your family hates it. You can control your anger because you don’t want to frighten your children. You can become more aware of another person’s needs so they will love you.

When I hear these and others so called “truths,” I point to the garbage can and propose this is a good place to leave them.

“Yes we can,” is a much better motto. Hang it on the wall and embed it in your mind. It will give you strength.

Wishing you the best,

Abe

1. How we interact with the world. The three most important things in life are family, money, and health. None of these three blessings come without effort. “Family” is built with harmonious relationships with others. “Money” comes from earning and conserving. A failure in either will lead to poverty. “Health” can be enhanced or ruined by how we treat our body.

2. How we interpret what happens to us. Things happen. This is life. Sometimes they are anticipated and sometimes they come as a total surprise. How you interpret what happens creates “your story.” Give “it” a positive spin, and it will feel good. The opposite is also true.

Excluding major tragedy, we make or break our happiness. Isn’t it fortunate that we have so much control over our lives?

From times of old until today; soul searchers, mystics, and the spiritual have sought perpetual happiness. Those that have succeeded have mastered the above. In my next edition of Moment of Wisdom, I will tell you a bit about how to do it.

Until then, be well and love those close to you. No one is perfect. But he or she needs your love, and so too, you need theirs.

Get started now. With my “Enter Happiness — discover how to create happy feelings” program you will see how happiness can be yours. To truly be happy, you must choose so.
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Wishing you and your family the best,
Abe

Examples:

• Health to illness
• Illness to health
• Wealth to poverty
• Poverty to wealth
• Strength to weakness
• Weakness to strength
• Hope to fear
• Fear to hope

Be a winner. Recognize how life is, and fittingly adjust your expectations. Doing so allows you to minimize, eliminate, or even benefit from the very thing not wanted.

Margaret had strong signs she had cancer. She was a nervous wreck for three months taking test after test, until finally the doctor proclaimed her healthy. Margaret ruined three months of her life worrying needlessly.

Sheila and Mark had been fighting for years. Avoiding each other they fell into some serous vice. Sheila realized that her only hope for love was with her husband Mark. They went for marriage counseling and renewed their marriage, reclaiming the passion they once had.

Tom lost his job. He and his wife fought about money. Eventually they divorced. One month later Tom got a new and better job. Had he and his wife pulled together they could have used the time to strengthen their relationship. Instead they destroyed their family of four.

Collins was a mega businessman and mega billionaire. He had everything he wanted. One winter he slipped on a piece of ice. He broke his leg. Two years later he was still in a wheelchair. He became severely depressed.

Phyllis was in a serous car accident. She walked with a limp. She married another patient she met at a physiotherapy clinic. She has never been so happy in all her life.

Can you pick out the winners in the above stories?

We cannot choose what happens to us. But we do have the power to choose our response. Certainly, when in the midst of a crisis, realizing this is difficult, and no one can judge us other than ourselves. But the fact is, many have benefited by a crisis.

I pray all goes well for you . . . always. But if it is not to be, do your best to respond with intelligence, dignity, and a mind seeking a silver-lining.
One thing is predictable about “life,” it has ups-and-downs. Winners accept this reality.

Need a boost to your “life adjustments?” Try my easy to use audio program. Thousands have already benefited from it. Boost your immunity to life’s challenges. Optimism — the art of positive thinking.

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Now, when this happens, what’s next? Some people resist.
They turn up the heat on themselves creating anxiety and
despair. But there is a better way. GO WITH THE FLOW. Here’s
how.

1. Acknowledge. Acknowledge something significant has
changed (health, finances, family, career, etc.).
2. Change. Recognize your need to respond intelligently to
the challenge. You must adapt.
3. What to do. Consider your options. This may include
consulting others.
4. Plan of action. Pick on option and design an action plan
(how to realistically carry out the selected option).
5. Take action. Implement your “action plan.”
6. Reassess. Occasionally reassess, and if your plan is not
working, modify it (or try another one).

Kind regards,
Abe

*******************

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So If Failure Is Not The Biggest Fear
– Then What Is?

Answer: The fear of CHANGE.

Let Me Explain . . .

Fact: Take a caged bird into its natural habitat and open the door. What happens? Not sure. I’ll tell you. It freezes.

Fact: When you awake in the morning, what is the most comforting thing you do? Answer: The same thing you did the day before . . . and the day before that. You get the picture. You resist change – we all do!

At heart we are like caged animals. We artificially bind ourselves to our past preventing an even better future. Why? Because we fear “change”-even when it is for the better.

But It Doesn’t Have To Be That Way.

Standup to the fear of change and free yourself. Make each day more successful than the day past.

Here’s how:
1. Express in words and deed your love for each family member.
2. Note what will make this day great – and do it.
3. Do something kind for an absolute strange.

Embrace your power to “change” and be all you can. The rewards are many:

1. Others will love you (and help you succeed).
2. You will feel good about yourself.
3. You will value your life.

Kind regards,

Abe

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