What relationship disease can have devastating consequences?
December 12th, 2007 by Abe Kass
There’s an intersection on my way to work. One direction has right of way . . . till everybody stops “as if” there were a stop-sign! Why? Most people “assume” there is a stop-sign—but there isn’t one. Politely they `wait until the cars with the stop-sign take their turn and proceed. Confusion reigns as a result of this assumption” about a stop-sign.
Do you know how many relationships are messed-up because of “assumptions?” any assumptions lead to divorce. Children without two parents. Poverty. Depression. Anxiety. And even violence.
Example #1: Sharon and her husband Peter have just married. Sharon is lonely. Her husband Peter spends the evening on the computer. She calls him names and tells him she wants nothing to do with him. Peter thinks Sharon hates him, and stays away. Sharon becomes even lonelier.
Can you figure out the assumption?
Answer: Peter assumes his wife “hates” him. Actually she loves him and that why she is upset. She wants to spend time with him.
After many years of this relationship dynamic, image what the results might be? (Truly hating each other, divorced?)
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Example #2: Seventeen-year-old Mike misses his dad. His parents divorced two years ago. Mike is angry at his mother whom he lives with. He blames her for his father leaving. He curses her and breaks things. Mike is also angry at his father for not giving him the attention he used to get in the past. Mikes parent’s discussed his anger and conclude he needs to be punished. Each takes a turn reading the “riot act.” They take away his bike, ground him, and stop giving him allowance. Mike says he hates them. Mike’s parents describe him as vengeful and out-of-control.
Can you figure out the assumption?
Answer: The parents assume Mike is out-of-control, rejecting and uncooperative. Actually, he loves his parents and family very much and he is devastated by its destruction. He wants more of his dad and he wants his mother to explain why she wanted a divorce. Sadly, no one talks to him so he has no way to constructively channel his fears, legitimate anger, and feelings of being abandoned.
If Mike’s normal feelings are not acknowledged, imagine in a few years where he may end up. (As a criminal, on drugs, running away from home, kicked-out of his house?)
Do you think you know what’s happening between you and another. Think again. Maybe it is based on a false “assumption.”
Don’t let the “assumption” disease ruin your life!By learning how to communicate effectively you can avoid assumptions. Surprisingly,but true — “listening” is not only harder than “talking”. . . but it is also much more important! I have a program to help you: Relationship Listening — attract the people you like and bring them close to you. Listen effectively and understand those around you.
http://wisdomscientific.com
Regards to you and your family,
Abe
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