“I thought that your article on marital kindness was very wise and true.

I am hoping that you will follow up on what should one do with a spouse who no matter HOW kind–or HOW giving one is in a relationship, he/she does not act with kindness as well.”

Answer:

Thanks for your good question. You touch upon the one flaw in every truism (that which claims to always be true), that sometimes it is false.

Yes, there are people that no matter how “kind” you are to them, they do not reciprocate the kindness. So then the question is, “what to do?”

1. Better for you. Certainly, you should keep up your efforts to be kind. It is healthy for you. You feel good and develop the good behavioral habits that will enhance your relationships with others.
   
2. Measure your “kindness” by the one that receives it. Sometimes what we think is “kindness” can be experienced by the receiver as “annoying” or the like. Make sure your “kindness” is truly experienced as kindness. You may need to simply ask the other person how he or she experienced a particular intended act of “kindness.”
3. Maybe they will change in time. Some people are slow to change. You may have increased your efforts at being kind, and you know your agenda, but the other person does not. He or she needs to experience you renewed efforts to be kind over an extended time. Then, the recipient of your kindness will respond by increasing their kindness toward you.
4. Seek professional help. Some people are injured by past relationship traumas. And of these individuals, some cannot overcome it without the help of a caring and trained mental health professional. If you are in a relationship with such a person, encourage them to get the help they need.
5. If cruel, and there is no way to fix the problem, consider ending your relationship. You were born to be happy and are entitled to be respected. If you are in a relationship and continually treated with cruelty and overt disrespect, no matter how kind you are, consider ending it. However, make sure you have done everything to remedy the situation. Yes, marriage and family are sacred—but that doesn’t mean you should live with abuse. Tell your partner, “let’s fix this on our own or use the professional services of a caring marriage and family therapist. If not, I will choose not stay with you.”

If you are in a relationship with a person that is reasonably emotionally healthy, kindness will certainly pay-off and be returned to you. Being “kind” even to the undeserving (according to your judgment) is a tonic for your soul. So even if you don’t get any immediate response from the recipient, you will still be healthier and happier.

Thanks for the question and hope this answer stimulates some healthy thinking.

Abe

Not a single person in the entire world would partner with another if he or she thought their future mate would not treat him or her with kindness. Kindness is the fertile soil in which affection can grow. Kindness is the foundation upon which a strong and healthy family can be built.

Kindness is kindness; whether donating a million dollars to a hospital or opening the door for an unknown stranger. Kindness is available 24/7 and the reward is immediate. What a wonderful opportunity to experience and spread “feel good” vibes!

Marriage and common law partnerships are voluntary; a person in a committed relationship must continually choose to stay with his or her partner. This is relationship reality whether we agree with it or not. When kindness is abundant within the relationship the choice to stay together is easy. Kindness ensures a happy home.

Showing kindness to your spouse is fundamental to marriage. Without “kindness” your relationship will sour. Fortunately, it’s easy to be kind. Here are some examples of everyday opportunities:

-Say good morning

-Ask how he or she slept

-Make something for him or her to eat

-Help find something your spouse misplaced

-Check with your spouse to make sure they have everything they need for the day (money, food, information, etc.)

-Call during the day to say hello

-Pickup something at the store

-Listen and comfort your spouse if he or she is upset

-Help your spouse with his or her tasks at home

- Speak gently and respectfully

-Do favors

-Spend time together before going to sleep

-Be loyal and faithful

There are many more ways–planned and unplanned–to behave kindly toward your partner and he or she toward you. The more you do, the closer and healthier your family will be.

On the other hand, a kindness deficiency is the source of marital conflicts and the cause of most divorces. Anger, selfish and irresponsible behavior, and criticism, push away “kindness” and lead to relationship breakdown. The fact that the perpetrator of these hostile feelings and actions feels justified makes no difference. Little by little, lack of kindness chips away at the very foundation of the relationship and everyone in the family suffers.

Think back to the time when you and your partner were courting. When your husband or wife was only your date, how did he or she treat you? With “kindness” or otherwise? Certainly your answer is, “with kindness.” I know because otherwise you would have run the other way–you would have ended your contact immediately never wanting to see him or her again.

You only married your partner believing that the kindness you were shown during the dating period, during your courtship, would last forever. And for a fortunate few, this actually turns out to be true. Sadly, for far too many people, kindness slips away and the relationship becomes a painful struggle. But it needn’t be that way. You can easy be kinder to your partner. Make a decision to be kinder and begin behaving that way.

Being “kind” is actually very simple. The difficulty is starting and not stopping. But if you do, you will have a wonderful partnership with the benefits far outweighing the effort. When you are “kind” to your spouse, and he or she to you, both of you will reap many rewards. Kindness will guarantee happiness.

Kindness is remembered. Each act of “kindness” toward your spouse creates for you a relationship credit. These credits are saved-up like dollars in a bank account. When you hurt your partner’s feelings—intentionally or unintentionally—these “relationship credits” can be used to reestablish harmony. They stand as advocates mitigating your partner’s hurt feelings, negative judgments, or thoughts to retaliate. The more credits you have, the easier it is to get beyond relationship mistakes.

Research has shown that it takes on average five positive interactions to eliminate one negative one. Thus, the more “relationship credits” you have, the more relationship mistakes you can survive. For example, if you say good morning daily, but one day forget, either your spouse won’t notice or just will casually mention it. However, if you never say good morning your spouse will likely conclude you don’t care about him or her.

Jerry and Susan were clients of mine (details changed to protect privacy). Once Jerry and Susan had extinguished their anger they were now ready to work in a positive way on their relationship. I instructed: “Make a list of kind behaviors that your partner has done in the past, is currently doing, and could do in the future, that would make you feel loved and cared for.” When they had finished making their lists, they took turns discussing what they had written. Then I told them to exchange lists. Jerry had Susan’s list and Susan had Jerry’s. I suggested they pick from their partner’s list each day two acts of kindness and then do them. I explained that these were “gifts,” given without any conditions. They went home. The next time I saw Jerry and Susan in my office they were both beaming and happy. They didn’t look like the old Jerry and Susan I had first met six weeks ago. “What happened,” I asked. “Simple,” Susan answered, “I did what was on Jerry’s list, and he did what was on mine.”

Kindness is contagious. Being “kind” to your partner creates goodwill and cooperation. When you are kind your partner is far more likely to be, in-turn, kind to you. Emotional closeness, appreciation, and love will grow stronger and stronger with each act of kindness you and your partner show each other. You don’t need to go to therapy to increase your marital acts of kindness. You know yourself what you can do to make your partner happy.

Kindness is essential to a happy relationship. If you are not prepared to be “kind” to your partner, you are writing for yourself a prescription for a failed relationship. You cannot replace kindness with money, good looks, a big house, or exotic trips. Kindness is an attitude that manifests itself in all situations. Being “married” means behaving with “kindness”—it’s just that basic. There are no substitutes for kindness. There is a saying, “What goes around, comes around.” When you give “kindness,” you get “kindness.” Kindness is something you can’t give away—it always comes back.

Have a sweet life; behave kindly toward your partner.

—–

Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T., a is a registered Social Worker, registered Marriage and Family Therapist, certified Hypnotherapist and award winning educator. He has a clinical practice working with individuals, couples, and families in Toronto, Canada. Abe is the publisher of Wisdom Scientific self-help educational programs. He is a member of the Ontario College of Social Workers, the Ontario and American Associations for Marriage and Family Therapy, and the National Board for Certified Clinical Hypnotherapists. These memberships are a guarantee of Abe’s professional training and high ethical standards. For more information or to arrange an appointment he can be reached at (905) 771-1087 or visit his web at, www.AbeKass.com. For a valuable free email newsletter, subscribe at WisdomSceintific.com.

When the volcano within the home erupts, and those present burn (emotionally). Who cares? Walking through the parking lot today I witnessed an angry mother terrorizing her four-year-old daughter. She yelled, she yanked her arm, she threatened, and she dragged – all the while holding an infant in her other arm; and not once; not twice, not thrice. I lost track as she pulled her daughter into the mall.

Well, this mom is a “volcano.” And where does the ash fall? Answer: Onto the tender skin of her frightened four-year-old; “mom’s anger” gradually seeping in and poisoning her young heart so she too will cruelly chastise when of age.

When was the last time the volcano in Iceland let go its fire? Do the eruptions and fallout ever end?

Will the volcanic eruptions and fallout at home ever end? It depends. If you grew up with anger get rid of it quickly. Remove the anger poison from your heart. Learn to be patient, sensitive, and loving. This is the best way to stop the burning and destruction. Stop “stranding” family members. Turn yourself and your family into a dwelling place of comfort and peace.

Need help? Need help getting rid of poisonous anger? Use my 8-minutes-a-day anger control audio book. It’s simple, effective, and relative to its benefit—almost free. To make an easy purchase click here.

ANGER CONTROL TIP: Never blame anyone else for your anger. Only then are you empowered to stay calm in every situation.

I know how destructive anger is. I hear about it every day in my counselling practice. But do you know how much damage anger can cause?

Here are a few of the many letters I received. Clearly, many are plagued by the “anger dragon”:

Dear Abe,

I have read with interest the information on your website as it describes my situation exactly. I am currently unemployed (and have been for over nine months) and find that I am getting angry with my family over the smallest things. This is upsetting my wife and children and I fell extremely guilty about this. After each blow-up I resolve that it won’t happen again – but it does! I am at a loss to control my anger and family life is not very good at present.

You kindly offered to send a PDF download of your workbook to people who cannot afford to pay for it. Unfortunately I fall into that category and wondered if you would be kind enough to send me a free copy as it sounds like it will be of great help to me. 

Thank you in advance.

Kind regards,

P. K.

===

Hi Abe,

My name is Trevor and I have let anger turn my life in the wrong direction. I am now homeless and without my loving family due to my anger. I have always known that I had a problem with anger and I use to think that I knew how to control it or had it under control. I could use some words of wisdom in this point in my life. Please send me a free copy of your anger control methods.

===

Hello Abe

My name is Cindy and I live in Australia. I’m 23 years old and I have been with my partner Tom for over two years. We live together but there is a big problem. He has a very bad bad temper. He shouts, he throws things about our apartment and curses and insults me, over very silly things.

 Now only on Thursday night, he lost his temper so much with me due to the fact that he had coursework to complete for university and I had sat next to him to give him a kiss, and he flipped out because I got in his way and because I let water in a saucepan boil over.

Now I am of the opinion that his reactions are unnecessary. I see nothing wrong with him saying “Cindy, I just need to finish this report tonight, can you please just give me some time?” His attitude resulted in me getting pushed out the way and getting insulted in ways nobody has ever spoke to me. I got so upset, and Tom was screaming abuse and pushed me out of the flat.

I got in my car and drove to my dad’s house. I stayed there on Thursday night and when Tom text me, he was mad due to the fact I said I was not going back to the flat.

Basically, I apologize for the big rant there. I read online about your workbook, but I have issues financing it, but I would really like to give it to Tom. I have tried to help him myself and I have said that his temper scares me, but I need to try something more drastic, what he does not realise is that he is driving me away with this attitude.

I thank you for any advice you could give me via email, I understand you’re a very busy man and I appreciate you may not be able to but if you could please send me the workbook I would be very grateful.

Many Thanks

===

Hi Abe,

I’m going to be brutally honest in this email.

My wife and I have been together for over a year now. I’m not the same person she fell in love with and this has been going on for almost 6 months. We had the worst fight yesterday, it was so bad that our relationship is more complicated now than anything else. She left me not because of not loving me, but because I hurt her so much when I’m that other person/thing and she didn’t know what else to do.

I read through your site and am in desperate need of your help. I can’t control my anger at all. My wife said I’m the most amazing person to be around, until I get angry and become the unpleasant person. I don’t know what happened that triggered my change and its affecting us both to extreme lengths and I want it to stop.

We love each other so much and are going to regret losing each other for good. I don’t want to lose her, she is the most amazing woman and all she has given me is true love that I’ve never ever experienced before in my life.

We are currently for the time being living apart so that we can both think things through. I need help that I can get rid of this anger for good and that our relationship can be healthy again. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I know if I can be the man she fell in love with again she will feel the same way.

I know people say things don’t happen overnight, but she made me promise that if I do contact her and we get back together she is expecting that overnight change and I want to keep that promise because I love her more than life itself.

Please Abe, I know your site said you’d send the PDF file of “Stop Anger save yourself and your family” it in a few days, but I’m really desperate, a few days might be too late. I need to start making the change now or I’ll lose her forever… and I know her, she made that promise to me and she keeps her promises.

My wife admitted to me that she’s scared of me because she doesn’t know how I’ll react one day, that one day I might just completely snap and become violent. I don’t want that, that’s not who I am nor want to be.

I know she can take care of herself, she a very tough girl and beats up anyone that pushes her too far. For someone like her to say she’s scared of me makes me scared.

I don’t have the money to afford your book and if I did I would honestly buy it.I just don’t know what else to do. I’m in desperate need of help.

Please help me.

Kind regards,

Eric

===

Hi,

I am writing this because I am 17 years old and I am struggling with my anger. Having lived in a family of constant bickering, insults and many fits/bursts I am finally realizing the impact this is having upon my wellbeing. All the affairs and such are things I am finding hard to forgive… like your broken egg analogy (which I did indeed like and relate to).

 I think that having all these pent up feelings is not good for my health or development, or the habits I seem to be creating, and is exacerbating my anger.

I was wondering if I could have a copy of the downloadable book you mention. I don’t want to take you for a ride or anything, I will pay if I have to, though money is tight, because I don’t like taking things without giving something back.

Thanks

===

If you have a problem with anger, or someone in your family does. I suggest you go to:

http://www.wisdomscientific.com/category-Anger-Control.php?cat=8

and purchase one or more of my anger management courses. The family you save may be your own.

Be a Samurai. Kill the “anger dragon.”

Wishing you the best,

Abe

True to life vignette of two newlyweds
Mark told Pam he wanted his college buddies to join him for a birthday celebration. Pam, wanting to please him eagerly agreed. She took the better part of a day preparing sandwiches, cakes and other snacks. The day came. Mark and his friends had a great time. Mark failed to thank Pam for her efforts. She felt used.

Mark told Pam that she spent too much time on the phone. Pam decided Mark needed more attention, so when he came home in the evening she quickly got off the phone. She felt disrespected.

Mark had opinions on almost every subject. He even taught Pam how to “correctly” cut tomatoes. She felt Mark was treating her as if she was a child.

Pam wanted to make Mark “happy,” so she soldiered on, but it was not easy.

Slowly, Pam’s “marital bliss” slipped away. She ate to comfort her upset feelings. Angrily, Mark told her to go on a diet! She felt unattractive in his eyes.

Pam resented Mark’s selfish demands. She was hurt that he did not seem to care about her feelings. Slowly she lost interest in pleasing him. Instead, she became cold and argumentative.

Mark was in his own world and had no idea what happened. He felt disillusioned and confused. His attraction for Pam was decreasing rapidly.

Good marriage advice:
When Pam and Mark showed up in my office seeking help, I explained the following to Mark. It didn’t take long for Mark and Pam to improve their marriage for the better. With a little marriage help at just the right time, they became the two loving turtledoves they once were.

A woman’s nature is to nurture
An emotionally healthy woman naturally wants to please her husband. However, this “feminine instinct” reveals itself only when she feels “loved and cared for.”

A man makes a good wife
When a man criticizes his wife, disrespects her, gets angry, she stops nourishing. In place of caring and helping, she opposes — typically with words and withdrawal of affection.

Practical marriage advice for men:
1. Show gratitude. Thank you wife frequently for all she does.
2. Seek her out. Call her on the phone, ask her how she feels, ask if she needs anything.
3. When she is upset, take time and listen to her. If she is upset with you, be strong and listen. Try to understand without commentary. Ask questions.
4. Never get angry and always be kind.
5. Make her feel in all your interactions with her that she is your TOP priority.

If you are a woman, pass this advice on to your husband or boyfriend. If you are a man—memorize it. This piece of marriage advice can save your marriage and protect your family.

When angry at your partner your mind does two things: 1) Repeats — you think over and over again what you are angry about and 2) Embellishes — you make up details that never happened.

Example: Your spouse insults you. 1) You mentally “repeat” the insult. This keeps your anger alive. 2) You “embellish.” This intensifies the anger.

In your head it may sound like this: “She/he insulted me. She said I was . . . (you repeat this 1,000 times).” “She/he always insults me, She/he treats me very poorly, She/he doesn’t love me (you embellished with extra thoughts that the facts (what actually happened) can’t support — see underlines.

This anger provoking thinking can continue for hours and even days gradually eroding positive feelings toward your partner.

For the health of your relationship you must stop these damaging thoughts. Here are three steps:

1. Reject anger. Recognize that keeping the anger going provides no comfort for you or improvement to your relationship. Better to kill these damaging thoughts.

2. Distract yourself. Do something in particular that engages your mind. You need to grab your attention so the unhealthy angry thoughts are replaced with more calming and healthy thoughts.

3. Stand guard against future angry thoughts. When they appear, reject them.

Relationship harmony requires not only love and attraction, but also a willingness to forgive mistakes your partner makes. This requires self discipline – specifically the rejection of angry thoughts.

The best,

Abe

MY THOUGHTS: How important it is to be BELOVED IN LIFE, even more than in death. And this is the true lasting legacy we should all seek. Not just a title that conforms to social norms.

Here are some simple suggestions for being BELOVED IN LIFE:
1. Take time to listen to another. Without judgment, try to really understand what he/she is saying.
2. Express with words your appreciation, gratitude, and even love for another.
3. Prioritize giving over getting.
4. Recognize that family comes first. Peace at home is essential to meaningful success in any other endeavor (work, career, hobby, etc.).
5. Keep the “peace” by completely avoiding all expressions of anger.

You will know you are BELOVED IN LIFE when family members seek your company, ideas, and simply smile when you appear before them.

Mom: Tim its time to get up. I setout your clothes for you. They are on your chair.

Tim doesn’t like the clothes his mother has chosen. In fact, he doesn’t like her choosing them at all. He wants to wear his blue jeans and hiking boots. He meant to tell his mother about the school hike last night, but he forgot.

Tim feeling frustrated speaks: But mom, you know I like to choose my own clothes. What’s the big deal if I decide what to wear? It’s not like I’m a baby, I’m already nine-years-old. All my friends get dressed by themselves. Besides, today we are going on a hike, so I want hiking clothes!

Mom feeling defied shouts: Tim if you wanted to wear different clothing you should have told me yesterday! Now it is too late! I already put out your clothing. And you will wear what I choose.

Mom continues: You know the “rules.” If you wanted to tell me something you needed to tell me the night before. You decided to not follow the rules and now you will just have to suffer!

Tim, tears in his eyes, answers: It wasn’t on purpose . . . I just forgot.

Mom snaps back: Tim, I am not in the mood for silly excuses. You are wrong. Just admit it. Now you will get dressed and put on the clothes that I chose. And hurry up . . . the bus is coming.

Mom storms out of the room.

Tim cries.

Ten minutes later mom feels bad. She doesn’t wants to be mean. But it’s like there is a devil inside her. Her mom was mean, and she always promised herself she would be different with her own children.

My thoughts:
Most of us know what the “right thing” is. Mom realized she was mean and she regretted it. But knowing what to do is not the same as doing-it.

Why? The thinking-mind and the emotional-mind are two different worlds.

Mom’s “thinking-mind” wanted her to be kind. But her “emotional-mind” pushed for meanness to have the control she sought.

Solution

We can all “educate” our emotional-mind. Here’s two ways:

Will power. Write on a paper a detailed description of the new behavior you seek. Monitoring yourself throughout the day imposing upon yourself the “new” tandard of behavior. At the end of each day formally evaluate your failures nd successes. Continue until the degree of success sought has been achieved.

Success-picture. Create in your mind a picture of what the success you seek looks like. Conjure-up this success-picture with great detail. Consider in a variety of situations what it would look like (to you and others), what it would sound like, what it would feel like. Then, several times a day, close your eyes and think about your “success-picture” in detail. Continue until the degree of success sought has been achieved.

Wisdom Scientific success library
We have created a library of self-improvement audio programs. Each one uses he power of your will and the power of your mind to give you the success you seek.
Check them all out at WisdomScientific.com.

Be your best. Live a healthy and happy life,

Abe

“Abe,
Thank you so much for your help with my shortcoming. I read your email today about “acceptance.” My wife and I have been separated for 4 months because of both our anger issues. Tonight she is away seeing an “X” and his family for Christmas. I guess my question is this. Is acceptance stronger than ignorance?”

Bob

(some minor changes to this letter have been made for clarity and privacy)

What I understand:

It seems Bob is saying his wife is “ignorant.” He is asking if his “acceptance” should include not challenging her “ignorance”, referring to her spending time with a former boyfriend (an X). He also reveals that he and his wife have been separated for four months because of “anger issues.”

My reply:

Dear Bob,

From the little I know of your situation my thinking goes like this:
Within a marriage, it is advisable to “accept” the small things. As the saying goes, “don’t sweat the small stuff.” However, larger issues must be dealt with tactfully, sensitively, and kindly. If your wife seeks to reconcile with you, certainly being involved with an “X” would be counterproductive. However, if she considers her relationship with you “over,” then dating another person (in this case “an X”) would be reasonable.

You give an important clue as to why you two broke-up. You say you have been separated because of “anger issues”?and I am certain you are on spot with that one. Anger is the number one cause of relationship failure. And
the number one reason for anger is blaming someone else for its expression.

Likely, if you and your wife were to promise not to get angry, and you both succeeded, you could put your relationship back together. Learn to talk calmly about your “big” problems, but “don’t sweat the small stuff” – surefire ingredients for relationship success.

I work with clients of all ages. I have one client that is eight-years-old and having behavior problems at school. I gave him my Anger Control audio program as a simple gesture, not thinking he could do much with it because
of his young age. Surprise! His parents told me both his teachers are reporting he is staying calm and avoiding anger. In discussion, to my amazement . . . and satisfaction . . . he understood the CD almost perfectly.

If an eight-year-old can learn to control himself, so can anyone else with an anger problem. Does this apply to you? If so give it a try . . . it may be a real lifesaver.
http://wisdomscientific.com/proddetail.php?prod=502

1. Love of self and others. This position creates inner peace and peace with the outside world. Happiness can only reside when peaces reigns supreme.

2. Anger is transmuted to acceptance. Disappointment in health, relationships, and money can lead to anger. It can also lead to “acceptance.” Acceptance is the fertile ground for happiness to grow.

3. Live harmonious with universal principles. Reality is a spectrum. Some levels are visible and some are not. However, like radiation, even those dimensions that are invisible still have a strong impact. We naturally comply with reality we can see—visible realties. For example the reality of excessive heat stops us from sticking our hand in fire. So too, invisible realities like “not to steal” impacts as well. For example, if someone steals—regardless of whether he or she gets caught—there is a spiritual injury weakening the individual. “Not
to steal” is a natural spiritual law, just like not putting your hand in fire. Only the physically and spiritually strong can be fully happy.

I heard from several of you last week how much you are enjoying the {Moment of Wisdom}. I thank you for your positive thoughts. When you encourage a friend to subscribe to the {Moment of Wisdom} we then become partners. Working together, more people will benefit from this “good deed.”

With the New Year approaching, consider offering a subscription to the {Moment of Wisdom} to your family and friends listed in your email address book. What a great idea for a New Year’s resolution: helping those you love and care about, live healthy and happy lives.

Get started now. With my “Enter Happiness — discover how to create happy feelings” program.
http://wisdomscientific.com/proddetail.php?prod=616