1. Realistic expectations
2. Communication
3. Conflict resolution
4. Personality
5. Religious orientation

Couples that fight or drift apart score low on these scales. Happily married couples score high.

If you need to save your marriage, this marital research can get you the marriage help you need. For the rest of us, it’s simply good marriage advice.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

When “expectations” are unrealistic (either too high or too low)—frustration and disappointment is imminent. When expectations are balanced and realistic, it is relatively easy to feel content.

It is essential to marital contentment that expectations are aligned with to one’s partner’s aptitude. “He may never be the best communicator, but it is ok.” “She may never be well organized and tidy, but I can live with it.” Adjusting one’s “expectations” to the reality of one’s partner is good marriage advice and contributes directly to relationship harmony.

As well, all successful couples and families must adapt to changing circumstances. Be they changes that are predictable—like the birth of children or advancing age—or changes that are unanticipated—such as unemployment or serious illness. All these “challenges” require an adjustment of one’s expectations.

The best marriage help is often simply maintaining “low expectations” about what your partner can and cannot do for you.

COMMUNICATION

Satisfying conversations between a husband and wife builds closeness and trust. Marital research has shown that there needs to be at least 5 positive interactions to each negative one for there to be feelings of closeness. Even one criticism, or angry outburst, can undo the value of many positive interactions. (The mind remembers negative interactions longer than positive ones!) Understanding this highlights the importance of continually engaging in positive and pleasant communication, while trying to minimize negative interactions. The challenge is to produce the greatest number of positive verbal interactions with the fewest negative interactions.

If your relationship is in serious trouble, pleasant interactions alone may be able to save your marriage and prevent divorce

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

The goal in marriage is to live together in peace and harmony. However, for many couples, marriage will at times include occasional disagreements or conflicts. When this happens it is essential to keep the conflict small and contained.

Successful conflict resolution requires three primary criteria. 1) Stay respectful: No name calling, expressions of strong anger, bulling, or attempts to humiliate. 2) Stick to one topic: Stay focused exclusively on the issue at hand. Resist dragging into the conversation other areas of disagreement or disappointment. 3) Keep it small: The disagreement should only last a few minutes and then be quickly set aside and efforts should be made to restore positive feelings and constructive interactions.

Keeping conflicts contained is marriage advice every couple needs to heed. We can live with a small scratch, but a severed limb can lead to permanent injury or even death. Protect your marriage and keep disagreements small and contained.

PERSONALITY

It is important that you are comfortable with your partner’s personality. He or she doesn’t have to be exactly as you—in fact if this were so, it would probably work against you. Remember, during courtship there was attraction. You chose to marry each other! Even after many years of marriage, that attraction it is still there—at least in potential.

True—years of misunderstanding and conflict can create deep resentment. This accumulated negative emotion can actually change your perception of your partner, leaving you unable to accurately see who he or she really is. For this reason, as much as possible, conflict should be avoided, or at least you should try to look past it when it does occur and seek out the parts of your partner’s personality that you like.

Being receptive to your partner’s new efforts to improve how he or she relates to you can actually save your marriage. If you don’t notice your partner’s good intentions and efforts, then what you are really saying is, “nothing can help your marriage.” Let your partner show you how he or she can modify his or her personality for the better.

RELIGIOUS ORIENTATION

Dissimilar spiritual and cultural differences can stress relationships. Religious orientation includes a set of rules that guides the couple in setting goals, making decisions, and raising children. When religious orientation and culture are similar, this becomes a set of shared values that contribute to a healthy and cohesive family.

ESSENTIAL MARRIAGE ADVICE

Even though formal training in these personal and relationship dynamics are not readily available, you and your partner can work toward achieving a high score. The more you achieve, the closer and more comfortable you will feel with each other and the greater the likelihood your relationship will last the distance.

Take a few moments and review these five scales. Together with your partner, generate a list of suggestions that when implemented will give you the loving relationship you seek. Let these five dynamics lead you to the marriage help you need.

Unlike what many believe, relationship harmony is not “chemistry,”—rather its hard work leading to concrete relationship skills . . . so roll up your sleeves and get started!

Marriage research shows that couples that score high in these five areas, although not necessarily perfect in every way, share happy and meaningful lives. Save your marriage or make your marriage better. Use this marriage advice to make your primary relationship the best it can be.

“I thought that your article on marital kindness was very wise and true.

I am hoping that you will follow up on what should one do with a spouse who no matter HOW kind–or HOW giving one is in a relationship, he/she does not act with kindness as well.”

Answer:

Thanks for your good question. You touch upon the one flaw in every truism (that which claims to always be true), that sometimes it is false.

Yes, there are people that no matter how “kind” you are to them, they do not reciprocate the kindness. So then the question is, “what to do?”

1. Better for you. Certainly, you should keep up your efforts to be kind. It is healthy for you. You feel good and develop the good behavioral habits that will enhance your relationships with others.
   
2. Measure your “kindness” by the one that receives it. Sometimes what we think is “kindness” can be experienced by the receiver as “annoying” or the like. Make sure your “kindness” is truly experienced as kindness. You may need to simply ask the other person how he or she experienced a particular intended act of “kindness.”
3. Maybe they will change in time. Some people are slow to change. You may have increased your efforts at being kind, and you know your agenda, but the other person does not. He or she needs to experience you renewed efforts to be kind over an extended time. Then, the recipient of your kindness will respond by increasing their kindness toward you.
4. Seek professional help. Some people are injured by past relationship traumas. And of these individuals, some cannot overcome it without the help of a caring and trained mental health professional. If you are in a relationship with such a person, encourage them to get the help they need.
5. If cruel, and there is no way to fix the problem, consider ending your relationship. You were born to be happy and are entitled to be respected. If you are in a relationship and continually treated with cruelty and overt disrespect, no matter how kind you are, consider ending it. However, make sure you have done everything to remedy the situation. Yes, marriage and family are sacred—but that doesn’t mean you should live with abuse. Tell your partner, “let’s fix this on our own or use the professional services of a caring marriage and family therapist. If not, I will choose not stay with you.”

If you are in a relationship with a person that is reasonably emotionally healthy, kindness will certainly pay-off and be returned to you. Being “kind” even to the undeserving (according to your judgment) is a tonic for your soul. So even if you don’t get any immediate response from the recipient, you will still be healthier and happier.

Thanks for the question and hope this answer stimulates some healthy thinking.

Abe

If the dead could talk they would tell you to appreciate life while you have it. To love, to learn and to rejoice. And “if not now, when”?

You were born to be happy. Celebrate your creation.

Enjoy your life,
Abe

When the volcano within the home erupts, and those present burn (emotionally). Who cares? Walking through the parking lot today I witnessed an angry mother terrorizing her four-year-old daughter. She yelled, she yanked her arm, she threatened, and she dragged – all the while holding an infant in her other arm; and not once; not twice, not thrice. I lost track as she pulled her daughter into the mall.

Well, this mom is a “volcano.” And where does the ash fall? Answer: Onto the tender skin of her frightened four-year-old; “mom’s anger” gradually seeping in and poisoning her young heart so she too will cruelly chastise when of age.

When was the last time the volcano in Iceland let go its fire? Do the eruptions and fallout ever end?

Will the volcanic eruptions and fallout at home ever end? It depends. If you grew up with anger get rid of it quickly. Remove the anger poison from your heart. Learn to be patient, sensitive, and loving. This is the best way to stop the burning and destruction. Stop “stranding” family members. Turn yourself and your family into a dwelling place of comfort and peace.

Need help? Need help getting rid of poisonous anger? Use my 8-minutes-a-day anger control audio book. It’s simple, effective, and relative to its benefit—almost free. To make an easy purchase click here.

ANGER CONTROL TIP: Never blame anyone else for your anger. Only then are you empowered to stay calm in every situation.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons “social networking sites” are currently so popular – it’s an easy way to connect with others. The downside is that these connections are superficial and lack genuine intimacy.

Here is a sure way to connect to new or old individuals in your life. I call it the One Two Three – Be Close to Me technique. Here are the 3 steps:

1. Ask a question that cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no.”
2. Summarize the answer you hear. Don’t change anything even if you don’t like what the speaker says.
3. Repeat step #1 and #2 for a few minutes.

Doing the “One Two Three – Be Close to Me” technique makes the person answering your questions feel close to you. And if he or she returns the favor – this will come pretty close to heaven on earth. Being KNOWN is a very satisfying intimacy.

Regards,
Abe
www.WisdomScientific.com

When angry at your partner your mind does two things: 1) Repeats — you think over and over again what you are angry about and 2) Embellishes — you make up details that never happened.

Example: Your spouse insults you. 1) You mentally “repeat” the insult. This keeps your anger alive. 2) You “embellish.” This intensifies the anger.

In your head it may sound like this: “She/he insulted me. She said I was . . . (you repeat this 1,000 times).” “She/he always insults me, She/he treats me very poorly, She/he doesn’t love me (you embellished with extra thoughts that the facts (what actually happened) can’t support — see underlines.

This anger provoking thinking can continue for hours and even days gradually eroding positive feelings toward your partner.

For the health of your relationship you must stop these damaging thoughts. Here are three steps:

1. Reject anger. Recognize that keeping the anger going provides no comfort for you or improvement to your relationship. Better to kill these damaging thoughts.

2. Distract yourself. Do something in particular that engages your mind. You need to grab your attention so the unhealthy angry thoughts are replaced with more calming and healthy thoughts.

3. Stand guard against future angry thoughts. When they appear, reject them.

Relationship harmony requires not only love and attraction, but also a willingness to forgive mistakes your partner makes. This requires self discipline – specifically the rejection of angry thoughts.

The best,

Abe

MY THOUGHTS: How important it is to be BELOVED IN LIFE, even more than in death. And this is the true lasting legacy we should all seek. Not just a title that conforms to social norms.

Here are some simple suggestions for being BELOVED IN LIFE:
1. Take time to listen to another. Without judgment, try to really understand what he/she is saying.
2. Express with words your appreciation, gratitude, and even love for another.
3. Prioritize giving over getting.
4. Recognize that family comes first. Peace at home is essential to meaningful success in any other endeavor (work, career, hobby, etc.).
5. Keep the “peace” by completely avoiding all expressions of anger.

You will know you are BELOVED IN LIFE when family members seek your company, ideas, and simply smile when you appear before them.

“Abe,
Thank you so much for your help with my shortcoming. I read your email today about “acceptance.” My wife and I have been separated for 4 months because of both our anger issues. Tonight she is away seeing an “X” and his family for Christmas. I guess my question is this. Is acceptance stronger than ignorance?”

Bob

(some minor changes to this letter have been made for clarity and privacy)

What I understand:

It seems Bob is saying his wife is “ignorant.” He is asking if his “acceptance” should include not challenging her “ignorance”, referring to her spending time with a former boyfriend (an X). He also reveals that he and his wife have been separated for four months because of “anger issues.”

My reply:

Dear Bob,

From the little I know of your situation my thinking goes like this:
Within a marriage, it is advisable to “accept” the small things. As the saying goes, “don’t sweat the small stuff.” However, larger issues must be dealt with tactfully, sensitively, and kindly. If your wife seeks to reconcile with you, certainly being involved with an “X” would be counterproductive. However, if she considers her relationship with you “over,” then dating another person (in this case “an X”) would be reasonable.

You give an important clue as to why you two broke-up. You say you have been separated because of “anger issues”?and I am certain you are on spot with that one. Anger is the number one cause of relationship failure. And
the number one reason for anger is blaming someone else for its expression.

Likely, if you and your wife were to promise not to get angry, and you both succeeded, you could put your relationship back together. Learn to talk calmly about your “big” problems, but “don’t sweat the small stuff” – surefire ingredients for relationship success.

I work with clients of all ages. I have one client that is eight-years-old and having behavior problems at school. I gave him my Anger Control audio program as a simple gesture, not thinking he could do much with it because
of his young age. Surprise! His parents told me both his teachers are reporting he is staying calm and avoiding anger. In discussion, to my amazement . . . and satisfaction . . . he understood the CD almost perfectly.

If an eight-year-old can learn to control himself, so can anyone else with an anger problem. Does this apply to you? If so give it a try . . . it may be a real lifesaver.
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