Can mirror gazing be a sign of mental illness?
“Depression, loneliness, and boredom are all symptoms of affection deprivation,” says Dr. Allan Dye, associate professor of mental health counselling and personnel services at Purdue University. “And the first sign that someone’s heading in the wrong direction is self-preoccupation. People who dwell too much on themselves, even if they don’t think of themselves as lonely or bored, are probably not having enough good contact with others.”
Can looking in a mirror be a sign of mental illness? Yes; if you are looking for the wrong reasons. Cleanliness, neatness, and being fashionable are fine. But excessive mirror gazing, introspection, second guessing and the like, are likely signs of loneliness. If left untreated, “loneliness” can go on to depression and anxiety.
Prognosis—what happens with treatment and what happens without treatment:
Treated: When treated, loneliness can easily be eliminated. For many people managing close relationships is easy. For others it takes effort and learning how. When a “lonely” individual does so, he or she can quickly find interesting people to “hang” with. If the loneliness is with one’s spouse, renewing the relationship and creating new opportunities for closeness and intimacy should be the plan. It is natural for humans to live in clans and since every person has these instincts, it is relatively easy to achieve.
Untreated: When “loneliness” is allowed to fester and spread, it can overwhelm all the other natural emotions (happiness, determination, self-preservation, etc.) and take over a person’s entire life. Eventually, loneliness can lead to serious depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. If loneliness is not eliminated, it can hold a person back from many important opportunities.
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Five ways to respond to the “unkind person.”
Question:—from one of our readers commenting on the blog entry, “Your Relationship? There is only one way to prevent it from dying.”
“I thought that your article on marital kindness was very wise and true.
I am hoping that you will follow up on what should one do with a spouse who no matter HOW kind–or HOW giving one is in a relationship, he/she does not act with kindness as well.”
Answer:
Thanks for your good question. You touch upon the one flaw in every truism (that which claims to always be true), that sometimes it is false.
Yes, there are people that no matter how “kind” you are to them, they do not reciprocate the kindness. So then the question is, “what to do?”
- Better for you. Certainly, you should keep up your efforts to be kind. It is healthy for you. You feel good and develop the good behavioral habits that will enhance your relationships with others.
- Measure your “kindness” by the one that receives it. Sometimes what we think is “kindness” can be experienced by the receiver as “annoying” or the like. Make sure your “kindness” is truly experienced as kindness. You may need to simply ask the other person how he or she experienced a particular intended act of “kindness.”
- Maybe they will change in time. Some people are slow to change. You may have increased your efforts at being kind, and you know your agenda, but the other person does not. He or she needs to experience you renewed efforts to be kind over an extended time. Then, the recipient of your kindness will respond by increasing their kindness toward you.
- Seek professional help. Some people are injured by past relationship traumas. And of these individuals, some cannot overcome it without the help of a caring and trained mental health professional. If you are in a relationship with such a person, encourage them to get the help they need.
- If cruel, and there is no way to fix the problem, consider ending your relationship. You were born to be happy and are entitled to be respected. If you are in a relationship and continually treated with cruelty and overt disrespect, no matter how kind you are, consider ending it. However, make sure you have done everything to remedy the situation. Yes, marriage and family are sacred—but that doesn’t mean you should live with abuse. Tell your partner, “let’s fix this on our own or use the professional services of a caring marriage and family therapist. If not, I will choose not stay with you.”
If you are in a relationship with a person that is reasonably emotionally healthy, kindness will certainly pay-off and be returned to you. Being “kind” even to the undeserving (according to your judgment) is a tonic for your soul. So even if you don’t get any immediate response from the recipient, you will still be healthier and happier.
Thanks for the question and hope this answer stimulates some healthy thinking.
Abe
Your relationship? There is only one way to prevent it from dying. PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO OTHERS
Be kind to your partner. If not, your relationship will die! Either with divorce, separation, or shared misery.
Not a single person in the entire world would partner with another if he or she thought their future mate would not treat him or her with kindness. Kindness is the fertile soil in which affection can grow. Kindness is the foundation upon which a strong and healthy family can be built.
Kindness is kindness; whether donating a million dollars to a hospital or opening the door for an unknown stranger. Kindness is available 24/7 and the reward is immediate. What a wonderful opportunity to experience and spread “feel good” vibes!
Marriage and common law partnerships are voluntary; a person in a committed relationship must continually choose to stay with his or her partner. This is relationship reality whether we agree with it or not. When kindness is abundant within the relationship the choice to stay together is easy. Kindness ensures a happy home.
Showing kindness to your spouse is fundamental to marriage. Without “kindness” your relationship will sour. Fortunately, it’s easy to be kind. Here are some examples of everyday opportunities:
-Say good morning
-Ask how he or she slept
-Make something for him or her to eat
-Help find something your spouse misplaced
-Check with your spouse to make sure they have everything they need for the day (money, food, information, etc.)
-Call during the day to say hello
-Pickup something at the store
-Listen and comfort your spouse if he or she is upset
-Help your spouse with his or her tasks at home
- Speak gently and respectfully
-Do favors
-Spend time together before going to sleep
-Be loyal and faithful
There are many more ways–planned and unplanned–to behave kindly toward your partner and he or she toward you. The more you do, the closer and healthier your family will be.
On the other hand, a kindness deficiency is the source of marital conflicts and the cause of most divorces. Anger, selfish and irresponsible behavior, and criticism, push away “kindness” and lead to relationship breakdown. The fact that the perpetrator of these hostile feelings and actions feels justified makes no difference. Little by little, lack of kindness chips away at the very foundation of the relationship and everyone in the family suffers.
Think back to the time when you and your partner were courting. When your husband or wife was only your date, how did he or she treat you? With “kindness” or otherwise? Certainly your answer is, “with kindness.” I know because otherwise you would have run the other way–you would have ended your contact immediately never wanting to see him or her again.
You only married your partner believing that the kindness you were shown during the dating period, during your courtship, would last forever. And for a fortunate few, this actually turns out to be true. Sadly, for far too many people, kindness slips away and the relationship becomes a painful struggle. But it needn’t be that way. You can easy be kinder to your partner. Make a decision to be kinder and begin behaving that way.
Being “kind” is actually very simple. The difficulty is starting and not stopping. But if you do, you will have a wonderful partnership with the benefits far outweighing the effort. When you are “kind” to your spouse, and he or she to you, both of you will reap many rewards. Kindness will guarantee happiness.
Kindness is remembered. Each act of “kindness” toward your spouse creates for you a relationship credit. These credits are saved-up like dollars in a bank account. When you hurt your partner’s feelings—intentionally or unintentionally—these “relationship credits” can be used to reestablish harmony. They stand as advocates mitigating your partner’s hurt feelings, negative judgments, or thoughts to retaliate. The more credits you have, the easier it is to get beyond relationship mistakes.
Research has shown that it takes on average five positive interactions to eliminate one negative one. Thus, the more “relationship credits” you have, the more relationship mistakes you can survive. For example, if you say good morning daily, but one day forget, either your spouse won’t notice or just will casually mention it. However, if you never say good morning your spouse will likely conclude you don’t care about him or her.
Jerry and Susan were clients of mine (details changed to protect privacy). Once Jerry and Susan had extinguished their anger they were now ready to work in a positive way on their relationship. I instructed: “Make a list of kind behaviors that your partner has done in the past, is currently doing, and could do in the future, that would make you feel loved and cared for.” When they had finished making their lists, they took turns discussing what they had written. Then I told them to exchange lists. Jerry had Susan’s list and Susan had Jerry’s. I suggested they pick from their partner’s list each day two acts of kindness and then do them. I explained that these were “gifts,” given without any conditions. They went home. The next time I saw Jerry and Susan in my office they were both beaming and happy. They didn’t look like the old Jerry and Susan I had first met six weeks ago. “What happened,” I asked. “Simple,” Susan answered, “I did what was on Jerry’s list, and he did what was on mine.”
Kindness is contagious. Being “kind” to your partner creates goodwill and cooperation. When you are kind your partner is far more likely to be, in-turn, kind to you. Emotional closeness, appreciation, and love will grow stronger and stronger with each act of kindness you and your partner show each other. You don’t need to go to therapy to increase your marital acts of kindness. You know yourself what you can do to make your partner happy.
Kindness is essential to a happy relationship. If you are not prepared to be “kind” to your partner, you are writing for yourself a prescription for a failed relationship. You cannot replace kindness with money, good looks, a big house, or exotic trips. Kindness is an attitude that manifests itself in all situations. Being “married” means behaving with “kindness”—it’s just that basic. There are no substitutes for kindness. There is a saying, “What goes around, comes around.” When you give “kindness,” you get “kindness.” Kindness is something you can’t give away—it always comes back.
Have a sweet life; behave kindly toward your partner.
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Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T., a is a registered Social Worker, registered Marriage and Family Therapist, certified Hypnotherapist and award winning educator. He has a clinical practice working with individuals, couples, and families in Toronto, Canada. Abe is the publisher of Wisdom Scientific self-help educational programs. He is a member of the Ontario College of Social Workers, the Ontario and American Associations for Marriage and Family Therapy, and the National Board for Certified Clinical Hypnotherapists. These memberships are a guarantee of Abe’s professional training and high ethical standards. For more information or to arrange an appointment he can be reached at (905) 771-1087 or visit his web at, www.AbeKass.com. For a valuable free email newsletter, subscribe at WisdomSceintific.com.