Defeat Depression

The stress that leads to depression can come from many sources. Relationship conflict, loneliness, harmful thought patterns, and an unhealthy lifestyle all account for the majority of depressive feelings experienced by many. (Please note: There are a minority of individuals that suffer from depression that is not caused by the above. For these individuals the advice in this article may not apply.)

In the moment of feeling depressed, it is hard to consider these common causes. This is why many people fail to do the actual things needed to eliminate the painful feelings of depression that often interfere with everyday behavior.

Even worse, some individuals try to overcome the stress that feeds depression through gambling, substance abuse, inappropriate internet use, being over medicated, or an excessive focus on fitness, weight, and disease. These attempted solutions do not work and because of the destructive nature of these activities, they go on to create new problems—some worse than the depression itself.

On the other hand, individuals that avoid depression find healthy and practical ways to reduce stress and maintain their emotional balance. For example: An unhappy wife finds a way to communicate to her husband that something he does bothers her and she perseveres until the necessary change is implemented or a man that can’t adequately support his family finds a way to earn more money.

Depression and similar mental ailments are nothing new. They have been around as long as humankind. Mental stress is natural to the human condition. Like physical pain, mental stress can be an early warning signal that something significant needs to be changed. Unfortunately, we live in a pill popping, fast food, instant gratification world. Alleviating depression via hard work seems inconsistent with “modern norms.” Ignoring the problem or taking a pill often seems like the best solution. I wish it was, but sadly for most, it is not. Rather, relationship enrichment, new thought patterns or a healthier lifestyle or other efforts, or all the above, are what is needed.

 A man in his mid-twenties came to me for psychotherapy. Both his family doctor and a psychiatrist had diagnosed him as having a severe depression. They started him off on antidepressant medication to ease his discomfort.

When first meeting him he was sad, tearful and confused. He reported that he had no idea why this was happening. He had been married a few years. Recently, his wife had given birth to their first child. Immediately afterwards he had become depressed.

In talking with him, we understood his becoming a father was the trigger that caused his depression. We discussed his own relationship with his father. He realized his entire adult life he had compared himself to his father. When handing me a check to pay for his appointment, he noted his signature was an imitation of his father’s.

Exploring his growing-up years and current beliefs, he came to understand his depression was coming from his own insecurities about being a father. He had never developed his own identity and was not sure how to be a “father” to his own son. He had fantasized that his father had been the “perfect father.” When actually he hadn’t—his father had been an alcoholic and hit him when he was a child. The mental stress created by what he imagined his father to be and how he actually was had confused him and made him depressed. How could he be the “perfect father” like his father when his father was so “imperfect?” This all left him feeling overwhelmed and hopeless.

At his follow up session with the psychiatrist, he was feelings so much calmer and confident the doctor discontinued the medication. The medication took three to four weeks to create an effect and after just one week of psychotherapy he already felt much better. 

This young man continued to see me for another nine months. His father, who had been a successful politician and lawyer—a man of influence and means—took on a less idealized image in his mind. Rather, he now could see his father as a man with virtues and faults. Knowing this led to his accepting that he himself did not have to be perfect, and as a father he only needed to “do his best.”

 Another client came to me for help in overcoming his depression. He told me whether hiking in the Alaskan Yukon or the Jungles of Kenya, his depression and feelings of suicide remained with him. His point: You can’t resolve your problems with superficial changes (such as traveling). Problems follow a person wherever he or she goes.

We worked together for several months to uncover the source of his sadness and develop a strategy to move forward. It worked! Twenty years later he is happy, married, and has three lovely children. He faced his problems, made the necessary adjustments, and is now reaping the benefits.

With a willingness to honestly face the issues in one’s life and then making the necessary changes, mental stress can be reduced or eliminated. For many unhappy individuals—depression can be defeated.