Thoughts that destroy!

**Moment of Wisdom #19**
by Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T.
Family Therapist, Esoteric Thinker, Author

When angry at your partner your mind does two things: 1) Repeats — you think over and over again what you are angry about and 2) Embellishes — you make up details that never happened.

Example: Your spouse insults you. 1) You mentally “repeat” the insult. This keeps your anger alive. 2) You “embellish.” This intensifies the anger.

In your head it may sound like this: “She/he insulted me. She said I was . . . (you repeat this 1,000 times).” “She/he always insults me, She/he treats me very poorly, She/he doesn’t love me (you embellished with extra thoughts that the facts (what actually happened) can’t support — see underlines.

This anger provoking thinking can continue for hours and even days gradually eroding positive feelings toward your partner.

For the health of your relationship you must stop these damaging thoughts. Here are three steps:

1. Reject anger. Recognize that keeping the anger going provides no comfort for you or improvement to your relationship. Better to kill these damaging thoughts.

2. Distract yourself. Do something in particular that engages your mind. You need to grab your attention so the unhealthy angry thoughts are replaced with more calming and healthy thoughts.

3. Stand guard against future angry thoughts. When they appear, reject them.

Relationship harmony requires not only love and attraction, but also a willingness to forgive mistakes your partner makes. This requires self discipline – specifically the rejection of angry thoughts.

The best,

Abe